If I have one birthday wish today, it is that I get a thousand birthday wishes. I learned my mistake last time. Alright, so now I have a thousand birthday wishes. Let’s dig in.
First, I wish for world peace … BUT, only if these wishes on non-monkey paw wishes. If these wishes are monkey paw-based, I do not wish for anything. Every time you wish off a monkey paw, shit goes way wrong. If I monkey paw wished for world peace, everyone would just die or something, and I’d be left with broken glasses at the library. I know your tricks, monkey paw!
Second, (and from here on out, I’m assuming there are no monkey paws involved) I’d wish from a bigger apartment to hold all the the stuff I’m about to wish for. I haven’t made up my mind as to whether or not I’m gonna wish for a pet tiger, but if I do, I’ll need more space.
My third wish is that I have a tamed pet tiger wearing a special saddle. (I made up my mind about the tiger thing, by the way.) He’d have to be big enough to hold my weight, because I’ve thought about it, and I don’t think I should wish to be thinner. It’s important to have goals, even when you have wishes available. And, one of my goals is to trim up so that I look better riding around on my pet tiger.
My four wish is that my tiger won’t ever bite or maul me. I know we’re not dealing with monkey paw wishes at this point, so the tiger wouldn’t necessarily turn out evil. But, at the same time, I think even a non-evil tiger probably does its fair share of mauling. That’s pretty much the whole reason I want a pet tiger—to ride it around mauling people.
My fifth wish is that we bump the number of wishes down to a hundred or so. Because I’m already running out of ideas, and a thousand wishes just seems like a burden at this point.
My sixth wish is for a refreshing glass of ice tea. There’s ice tea in the fridge if that makes it easier. Could that one count as half a wish, since I already told you where the ice tea is? It’s not like you have to magically make it appear out of nowhere. How ‘bout this? How ‘bout we split the difference and say that it’s two-thirds of a wish?
My seventh through fourteenth wishes are for the following movies on Blue-ray:
Where the Wild Things Are, Stop Making Sense, Ghostbusters, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Mad Men: Seasons One and Two, and Coraline.
My fifteenth wish is for a ten minute break to think up some more wishes.
Before that, though, my sixteenth wish is for a plush tiger bed for my incoming pet tiger. Like, the very finest, plushest tiger bed there is. I just want the place to be set up nice before he gets here, because I really want him to like me. Maybe check and see if Hammacher Schlemmer has good tiger beds. Oh man, I hope he or she likes me.
Gosh, this sure is good ice tea.