Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

The Best Medicine

Posted on June 21, 2011

I've always said that laughter is the best medicine. My friend Claire, who’s a Christian Scientist, says that prayer is the best medicine. When I heard that, I just laughed and laughed. And, all that laughter gave me a headache.

Which I tried to laugh away. But, it didn't work. The more I laughed, the worse my headache got. Something was wrong here. Very wrong.

I thought maybe I was laughing incorrectly. I tried tittering. I tried deep, booming guffaws. I tried chortles and chuckles and snorts and cackles. Nothing cured my headache. After several hours, it had gotten even worse.

My entire worldview crumbled around me. My so-called "medicine" had failed. I’d bought into western society's hubris that any disease can be cured through laughter---that people can somehow be "fixed." I scoffed. Which is, itself, a form of laughter. It didn't help my headache, though.

I began researching alternative forms of laughter. In Tibet, they have an advanced style of laugh called "The Inward Snortle." It involves an expulsion of air from your diaphragm paired with a nasal snicker of disbelief. Essentially, it's an extended hiccup. And, while I did experience a profound moment of universal clarity, my headache stuck around.

The nomadic Maasai people of Kenya have a form of laughter practiced not through the lungs or mouth, but rather through hopping in place. The idea is that the joy of laughing can be expressed not simply vocally but through the entire body. That made my headache hurt so much.

Eventually I died from this headache. Turns out I had an earwig colony growing in there.

Anyway… I got to Heaven, and I asked God what the best medicine was, and He said, “Did you try actual medicine?” And, I said that I hadn’t, and He gave me this look. You know the look.

Then, God said, “Couldn’t you hear all the earwigs I put inside your head scurrying around?”

And, up to this point, I had been pretty cool with this whole dying thing, but all of a sudden I was like, “Yeah, Dude! WHY’D YOU EVEN DO THAT?!”

God’s face fell a little, and He took a minute. Then He said kinda quietly, “I don’t know. Sometimes I can be kind of a dick.”

And, it’s true. Sometimes He’s kind of a dick.


Poor Werewolf God

Posted on February 25, 2010

Werewolf and Loki

Can God create a boulder so large that even He cannot lift it? What about the boulder god of the Wichawki tribe in Oregon? Can God lift him? I’ve seen drawings of the boulder god, and he seems pretty tough. Who would win in that fight? I mean, sure, God has a solid right hook and He’s light on His feet, but the boulder god has an amazing left jab, and he knows to work the torso in the first four rounds. I’d still put my money on God god, because I think that’s what Jesus would do.

Can God create a dog so fat that it can’t even lick its own crotch? Trick question. He already did. It lives across the street from me. It’s a beagle named Sandy, and it’s shaped like a beetle or a low coffee table. One time I asked its owner when it was due to have puppies, and she glared at me and wanted to know what kind of monster asks such a question. I told her a werewolf, and then I wolfed-out just a little bit. Y’know, I let my eyes turn yellow and my ears get just a little pointy. She had already turned around and didn’t see me, but Sandy went ape-shit. All dogs, even fat ones, hate werewolves.

Can werewolf god create a silver bullet so fast that even he can’t dodge it? Why would he want to do that? Sometimes I don’t understand werewolf god at all. He’s got everything he could want--immortal deer to chase, perfectly torn jeans, and a really nice bungalow right down the street from God god. I think werewolf god has gotten a little self-destructive since he started hanging out with boulder god. But, I understand that life is tough after your wife leaves you for the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief.

Can God create a creation so creative that even He can’t recreate it? And, if so, describe it to me in detail. Because I want to surprise God for His birthday. What do you get Somebody who can create everything?

Can God create a pinball machine so complex that even the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief, can’t beat it? One time I was in the upper peninsula of Michigan with my parents, and I saw the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief, go to town on a pinball machine. It was at an old-fashioned family resort where the rooms looked like teepees, and the rec room had a pinball machine where the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief, would hang out. He was so cool. I get jealous of people who seem so naturally  at ease with themselves.

Can God create a greeting card so sweet and sincere that even werewolf god’s wife would take him back? He is omnipotent, after all. I think He owes werewolf god one for all the times that werewolf god has taken care of God’s house while God was on vacation. God’s cat is four hundred stories tall, after all. And, even God had a hard time creating a litter box big enough for that cat. I mean, don’t get me wrong, He did it. God can create anything when He puts His mind to it.

Never forget that, God. I’m proud of You.