Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

My Religion

Posted on March 21, 2011

For as long as I can remember, I've hopped around between different religions. I think it has something to do with my mother being a Catholic nun and my father being L. Ron Hubbard.

In my teens, I tried out Buddhism and Jewish Mysticism. Then, I got baptized a few times by both the Baptists and the Anabaptists. I handled some snakes. Standard stuff.

I tried Mormonism for awhile, because I thought the no drinking alcohol thing would help me lose weight. But, holy moley, those guys eat sooo much sherbet!

When I was twenty, I converted to Islam, which was great. They let me be a whirling dervish, because they said I was quote/unquote "super rad at spinning." That was probably my favorite up to that point. But, I get antsy, so I left.

I tried Baha’i, because I have never met a Baha’i follower who wasn't goddamn adorable. So friendly and smiley. And, that was awesome. Super happy as a Baha’i ... but…

When you get so close to perfection, it's like you can see the finish line up ahead. So, I decided to start my own religion.

It's only got a few guidelines, and they are as follows:

- We don't really have any dietary restrictions. Although, we do try to avoid olives and capers, just because they're gross. Also, if someone wants sun-dried tomatoes on a pizza, we insist on extra cheese.

- We only pray when we want a new iPad, or when we're late for a job interview.

- Our Sabbath falls on whichever day of the week is the sunniest. On that day, we hammock.

- We don’t believe in Heaven, but we do believe in Vietnamese sandwiches. So, close.

- We wear special magic underwear that makes our ass look great in these jeans.

- We do not believe in speaking aloud God’s real name, which is Henry F. Gunderson. OH NO!

- We believe in a strict separation of duties between the sexes. Only men shall perform card tricks; only women shall tie balloon animals.

- Reincarnation gets a solid “maybe” to “why not?”

- We do not believe in free will, as evidenced by this empty bag of potato chips.

- Our most sacred animal is the giraffe, because we thought we’d try to bolster its self confidence.

- We bury our dead in their most comfortable pajamas.

- We enjoy the occasional Agatha Christie novel.

Other than that, there aren’t many more rules to my religion---just another four hundred or so. But, most of those pertain to hammock etiquette. I’ll save that for a later post.