If you are a stranger, and I have just handed you this business card, it means that I hate you. To understand the specifics of why someone you have never met before hates you, please refer to the list of reasons in small print on the back of this card. One or more may be circled.
- You have mentioned Harvard unprompted.
- I am tired, and you don't seem tired.
- You are a teenager.
- You are muscular.
- You have brought up your food allergy in a non-dining situation.
- You seem too "into" your “lover.”
- You have mentioned the Hamptons unsolicited.
- You have not given up your subway seat to a pregnant woman.
- You are a pregnant woman who seems insufficiently grateful that I gave up my subway seat for you.
- Your sunglasses cost more than a movie ticket.
- I don't like your voice.
- You are playing football with your shirt off. [See also: any other sport.]
- You have not said thank you to my holding the door open for you.
- You claim to not own a television.
- You refuse to walk on a MOVING SIDEWALK! IT STILL HAS THE WORD "WALK" IN ITS NAME!
- You are clearly coming from yoga at 3pm on a weekday.
- You are looking over my shoulder for someone more important.
- You have reclined your airplane seat the very first opportunity.
- You are wearing Tom's shoes, which I know shouldn't be a thing, but I kinda hate people who wear those. I know, I know---it shouldn't be a thing. But, they sell those shoes at Whole Foods, for Christ's sake. Also, the guy who started the company wears a summer scarf in an American Express commercial. Super gross.
- You have eaten the last appetizer off a tray right before I could.
- You are slowly repopulating your purse at the checkout counter.
- You have contradicted me during party conversation. [Subset: You have pointed out that I misquoted a New Yorker article at a party.]
- Your child has an old man's name. Or is named after an herb.
- Your blog got a book deal.
- All of the above.
Hate is such a strong word. Can you ever really hate something? Like, if you say you hate strawberries, do you really mean that, or are strawberries simply not your favorite? Or a minute ago, when you said that you hated racism. Are you sure? Hate? Really? ‘Cause you seem pretty racist to me. I mean, I’ve only known you for a couple of years, but you’ve always been super racist.
Maybe it’s like how you hate Paul, because you see in him the things you’re not proud of in yourself. Same thing with racism. Maybe you have such strong feelings about racism because you are racist. Just like Paul.
Like, when you say it’s too bad that all black people hate Asians. That’s a little racist. Or, when you said that all the races should be kept separate so that no one can be racist towards each other. Again, pretty racist.
Instead of saying that you hate racism, maybe you could accept that you kinda like racism. A lot. You like racism a lot. That way, you could move on and become a better racist.
Take the other night at dinner, when you went off about immigration laws. I just think that if you allow for the idea that you’re a huge racist, you wouldn’t have to jump through so many hoops to say what you mean. You could just say that you hate Mexicans. Although, again, that’s a strong word: Mexicans.