Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Riding Instructions

Posted on January 13, 2011


Hello, folks, welcome to Smiling Sunrise Ranch. I'm your trail guide, Pete. Y'all signed up for the two hour horseback ride? Great. Before you get on your horses, I have a few instructions.

First off, you should have signed a waiver absolving Smiling Sunrise Ranch of any responsibility for any injuries you might sustain on this ride. Our horses are trained, but riding horses is never a 100% safe activity.

Any first-time riders here? Wow, that's a lot of hands. Well, don't worry. You should be okay as long as the horses don't get spooked.

I see some of you are wearing rain ponchos. I ask that you not take those off during the ride, as that might spook the horses. We've got some high winds today, which could bring down a branch or two. If that happens, it might spook the horses. Also, we've got snakes in these hills. That'll spook the horses.

Please take of your sunglasses, since glare from sunglasses will spook the horses. Also baseball caps tend to spook the horses. If any of you ladies are wearing perfume, that might spook the horses.

There's a real spooky cactus down in the gorge. It looks like an old witch carrying a VCR. That'll spook the horses. The horses can also get spooked by a cloud or the lack of clouds.

Coughing will spook the horses. If the rider is thinking about mice or gerbils, that'll spook the horses. Um ... if any of you are closet organizers for a living, that'll spook the horses. Sitting too high in the saddle will spook the horses. Or too low.

One of the horses is named Vladimir. His name tends to spook him. Another one is named Spooky.

What else? Oscar race rumors will spook the horses. Sand sometimes spooks the horses. If your horse hiccups and burps at the same time, that'll definitely spook the horses. Mustaches, sideburns, goatees--those all spook the horses.

Finally, try not to be nervous or scared. That'll for sure spook the horses. And, then you'll probably get thrown and die of a broken neck.

Alright, let's head out. Yeehaw!