Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Dear Hotel Maid

Posted on June 10, 2010

Dear Hotel Maid,

First off, if you prefer to be called a housekeeper, I apologize. The DO NOT DISTURB sign said “maid,” so that’s what I went with.

Secondly, and this is the big one, I’m sorry for the condition of the room. It’s just that my wife and I haven’t had a vacation in awhile. So, we kinda did it up. That’s not blood in the corner, by the way; it’s margarita mix.

In the bathroom, though, that’s blood. Shaving accident.

As for all the burn holes in the chair, it may seem like we were smoking cigarettes in this non-smoking room. But, I promise we weren’t. We were simply holding lit cigarettes during some film noir sexual role-playing. Again, I swear we weren’t actually smoking.

(Honey, if you’re reading this before the maid/housekeeper, don’t be upset. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in our beautiful, imaginative lovemaking. It’s how we’ll eventually make a baby.)

Also, Ms. Room Cleaner, thank you for bringing so many fresh towels. I know it was more than we could have possibly used, but they were so nice and warm from the dryer. And, whenever we tried to re-warm them in the microwave, they kept catching on fire.

Sorry we broke the microwave.

As far as the ice bucket goes, that was broken when we got here. It’s understandable that no one noticed before. We only discovered it when the massage oil leaked out.

Finally--the furry thing in the air duct. Don’t worry; it’s not an animal. It’s a wig that makes me feel pretty. We tried to get it out with a coat hanger, but we lost the coat hanger. If you can get the wig free and mail it back to me, that’d be a big help.

Yeah, anyway, we like to party. So, I’m including a $500 tip for your help and discretion. There’s also some money for a new mattress.

Thank you so much.


Mr. & Mrs. Ross