Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Lie Detector Test

Thank you for purchasing Andy Ross’s How to Be Awesome Correspondence Course. If you are listening to this cassette tape, that means you have completed Lesson One: Blowing Smoke Rings and also Lesson Two: Nunchucks.

Welcome, now, to Lesson Three: How to Fake Out a Lie Detector Test.

Everyone knows that lie detector tests are totally fake and stupid. That’s why they’re not admissible in court. (I know that for sure, because I offered to take a lie detector test to prove that I didn’t steal that garden gnome, but the stupid judge wouldn’t let me.) So, everybody knows lie detectors are B.S., except the people who still use them. Like the FBI or suspicious girlfriends or junk.

Is it possible to fake out a lie detector machine? You bet your ass it is. And, since your check or money order has cleared, I’ll tell you the secret: It’s all about messing with the baseline readings.

Every lie detector session starts out by establishing a baseline of your physical responses to simple questions. Like, “What year is it?” or “Are you a duck?” After asking basic questions, the lie detector technician compares all your later readings to those first ones.

Here’s how to crunk up those baselines:

1) The thumbtack trick. Spies are taught to mess up the baseline question by putting a thumbtack inside their shoe. And, whenever they answer any question, true or not, they step down on the tack. Boom, their nervous system goes apeshit, and the needle jumps equally every time. That’s some real James Bond shit right there.

If you don’t have a thumbtack handy, like because you’re in the jungle doing karate or something, you can try this…

2) Change the “truth.” Truth is all in the eye of the beholder, right? So, if they ask you the year, you can say 2010. But, in your head you can know that you’re lying. Because, according to the Mayan calendar, it’s some totally different date that I don’t feel like looking up on Wikipedia right now.

Or, let’s say they ask you your name. Just change your name before you take the test. You can do that at the Social Security office. I’m pretty sure the first time is free. Just don’t change it to Andy Ross, because I’m already googling really poorly, and I don’t need the competition.

I’m serious. If you think you’re funny by changing your name to my name, I’ll show up at your house with my nunchucks. We’ll see who’s laughing then.

3) Get your heart rate up. This one’s easy. Remember the pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Ah ha! See? Your heart rate is up already.

4) Become a Level 5 Zen Master. This one takes awhile. Not for me. But, for somebody like you, it’ll take years to have total mental control over your physical being. I wouldn’t recommend this one for beginners.

5) Use finger quotes. There’s nothing illegal about using finger quotes to turn any potential lie into merely sarcasm.

The thing is that you have to use air quotes for every answer, true or false. ‘Cause, if you just use them for the lies, the technician catches on. I learned that one the hard way when mall security asked me who was spitting in all the Jamba Juice cups when I worked at Jamba Juice.

6) Storm out. Pretty self-explanatory. Just pretend you have morals and that lie detector tests are “beneath you.” I mean, if we can’t trust each other as a society, where are we? Try to knock something over on your way out in order to make your point.

So, yeah, those are your tips for beating a lie detector. Good luck, and remember to carry around a thumbtack if you can.

The next lesson in the series will be Lesson Four: Sliding Across the Hood of a Car, Starsky and Hutch-Style. Expect your next cassette in like a month or two, because I’m real busy doing some other stuff right now.

Now, get out there and be awesome.