Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Your Resume

Posted on April 29, 2010


Alright, let’s take a look at your resume. Uh huh. Okay, not very impressive. Three jobs in six months isn’t a good sign. And, typing ten words per minute. That’s not something you want to point out unless asked directly.

Now, here under “Education,” you’ve misspelled the word “school,” which wouldn’t be so bad if it were a typo. But “skool”—that’s how a child would write it. And, over here, see? You’ve crossed stuff out and written in pencil. Maybe consider printing out a new resume. Also, fewer profanities.

Under “Computer Skills,” you wrote down “Facebook.” It might be better to say “social networking,” because this makes me think you’d spend your whole workday on Facebook. That’s just a hunch.

Normally, a resume this inept would go straight into my trash. However, it was so bad, I felt I should bring you in to give you advice. Now, I can see that you are an incredibly handsome man. Very, very attractive.

You should know I am not gay, but something about how your eyes crinkle when you smile makes me want you around all the time. Also, your firm handshake made me feel like a man’s man.

So, you're hired! Congratulations.

The assistant position requires competence, so I can’t give you that job. But, we had a VP position open up. I’ll put you there. It’s a bigger salary and has subordinates to do the work, anyway. Do you kayak? You seem outdoorsy. I’d love to come along next time you hike or kayak. Nothing gay or anything … My god, you’re tall.

The position starts next week, but you can swing by earlier if you want. I’m free for lunch any day this week. I’ll tell you which secretaries I have crushes on, and maybe you could woo them for me. Is that weird? I’ll call you to set things up. I’ve got your number from where you scribbled it on your resume.