Ironic Marching Band
IRONIC MARCHING BAND SEEKS PERFORMERS
Wanted: Brass and percussion players for ironic marching band. Must appreciate choreographed movement, John Phillips Sousa, and an arch sense of superiority.
Details: I am forming an ironic marching band to perform at zombie/superhero pub crawls and during halftime at adult Red Rover tournaments. We will be playing contemporary "classics" like Livin' la Vida Loca and Mambo Number 5, as if we actually enjoyed that kind of "music." We will also march in real, local parades in a mock imitation of the kind of pseudo-fascist, patriotic brainwashing that goes into precision military-style formations.
Eventually, the line between irony and genuine love of marching will blur. We will get very serious about practicing and mastering our steps. The smiles on children's faces in the crowds will warm our hearts, and a gentle nod from an aged veteran will bring a collective lump to our throats. This will lead to a sense of pride in our work that chips away at any judgement and sarcasm.
Soon, our marching band will lose any irony at all and simply "be." At some point, I assume we'll be replaced by an "ironic" ironic marching band, but we won't care. We'll be too focused on our families and building a strong, proud community at that point.
Requirements: Must commit to two hours of practice twice a week, including synchronized steps and sneering eye rolls. Must purchase own marching uniform, including those lame chinstrap helmets which are so awesome. Must be willing to grow mustache and/or severe bangs.
Serious inquiries only.
“Save” Mother Earth
How to pretend to save the environment:
- Save electricity and water by asking that your guests reuse their towels after swimming in the heated outdoor pool.
- Recycle plastic shopping bags by turning them into children’s crafts projects that you will then wait a week before throwing away.
- Buy organic vegetables flown in from Argentina.
- Immediately throw away any incandescent lightbulbs or batteries that aren't rechargeable batteries.
- Make sure to compost all the farm share vegetables that you let rot in your fridge.
- Bumper stickers. Many, many bumper sticks.
- Lobby to have municipal bus lanes turned into bike lanes so you can ride your bike on weekend errands.
- Only drink bottled water that promises to use 10% less plastic than previous bottles.
- Support corn-based ethanol.
[Whoa, this post got snarky. I don't normally go for such raw, on-the-nose satire. It's definitely not my best work.
But, you know when you see somebody, and you just immediately hate them? Like, something in the way they're smiling makes you want to smack that smirk right off their face? Well, I just saw this kid---maybe eight years old, a boy, shoulder-length hair, probably named Hunter---and I knew that he needed to be punched.
He was wearing a t-shirt that read, "I love the Earth because She loves me." And, something about the way the "S" was capitalized and the way he was appraising the room like it belonged to him, like he'd had too much positive reinforcement---it made me just hate that little kid so much! Self-satisfied little shit. He's going to grow up to be so horrible.
So, I just needed to get some passive-aggression out with this post. That way, I would no longer feel the need to hunt down this random little boy and shake him and shake him until all he cries and admits he's gross. It's probably best for all of us that I not do that.
Anyway, in general, stop buying so much stuff and flying so often. Also, find a way to reduce packaging materials and construction waste. That'll be a good start.]