New Job Dos and Don’ts
Now that the economy is picking back up (and your unemployment benefits have finally run out), it’s time to get a job. So, go out a get one … Did you get a job yet? Good. Then, here are a few dos and don’ts for your first day:
Do thank your new boss for the opportunity.
Don’t challenge him to an Indian leg wrestling match.
Do iron your shirt to make a good first impression
Don’t wear your homemade Twilight t-shirt.
Do fill out all your employee paperwork carefully.
Don’t fold it into an origami grasshopper, no matter how incredibly impressive that is.
Do make friends with the receptionist.
Don’t throw up.
Do learn how to transfer calls correctly.
Don’t cut the phone lines so that they can’t call the police.
Do make small talk around the water cooler.
Don’t whisper small talk from behind the water cooler.
Do bring a sack lunch.
Don’t bring your personal chef. People might figure out that you're just there to research your next film role.
Do set up a tricky password for your work email.
Don’t constantly brag about how tricky it is. Everybody already knows it’s t3am3dward.
Do clean up after yourself in the office kitchen.
Don’t clean yourself in the office kitchen.
Do learn about the company’s history.
Don’t cry at the sad parts.
Do put supplies back where you found them.
Don’t pretend you’re putting them to sleep in their little supply cabinet bedroom.
Do refill the photocopier with paper.
Don’t refill the photocopier with lasagna noodles.
Do get there a little early.
Don’t leave there until they promise you can come back tomorrow. Make them pinky swear.
Good luck. Remember, don't do any of the above don'ts. I'm serious.
Your Resume
Alright, let’s take a look at your resume. Uh huh. Okay, not very impressive. Three jobs in six months isn’t a good sign. And, typing ten words per minute. That’s not something you want to point out unless asked directly.
Now, here under “Education,” you’ve misspelled the word “school,” which wouldn’t be so bad if it were a typo. But “skool”—that’s how a child would write it. And, over here, see? You’ve crossed stuff out and written in pencil. Maybe consider printing out a new resume. Also, fewer profanities.
Under “Computer Skills,” you wrote down “Facebook.” It might be better to say “social networking,” because this makes me think you’d spend your whole workday on Facebook. That’s just a hunch.
Normally, a resume this inept would go straight into my trash. However, it was so bad, I felt I should bring you in to give you advice. Now, I can see that you are an incredibly handsome man. Very, very attractive.
You should know I am not gay, but something about how your eyes crinkle when you smile makes me want you around all the time. Also, your firm handshake made me feel like a man’s man.
So, you're hired! Congratulations.
The assistant position requires competence, so I can’t give you that job. But, we had a VP position open up. I’ll put you there. It’s a bigger salary and has subordinates to do the work, anyway. Do you kayak? You seem outdoorsy. I’d love to come along next time you hike or kayak. Nothing gay or anything … My god, you’re tall.
The position starts next week, but you can swing by earlier if you want. I’m free for lunch any day this week. I’ll tell you which secretaries I have crushes on, and maybe you could woo them for me. Is that weird? I’ll call you to set things up. I’ve got your number from where you scribbled it on your resume.