Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross


Posted on December 13, 2010


I never really understood the movie Mannequin, until I saw a mannequin I truly wanted to make love to. Not just sex, but making love.

You know what movie I’m talking about? It stars Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall? Meshach Taylor plays a flamboyant homosexual? It was one of those late 80s movies about romance between a man and a mythical woman. Like Splash, Date with an Angel, Miracle Beach, Hello Again … others.

At the time, I could never understand the basic premise of those movies. I mean, sure, every guy wants to have sex with a mermaid or a mannequin, but who wants a long-term relationship with one? Doesn’t the magic stop once the magic stops? Then, one day, I saw the most beautiful, compelling mannequin I’d ever laid eyes upon.

She was in the window of a Chico’s Outlet store off of I-80. I can’t really explain what drew me to her—her poise, her eyes, the way she wore that beige turtleneck. Whatever it was, I knew this was a mannequin made for more than just fucking. This was a mannequin for true love.

I was too shy to approach her that day. She was working, after all. But, as soon as I drove off without telling her my name, I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life. I began sending her love letters addressed to Chico’s corporate headquarters. I wrote her some songs that I posted on Youtube. I submitted to Missed Connections.

None of it worked. I realized I’d missed my chance with such an exquisite, fiberglass woman. I’d like to think there’s more than one soul mate out there, but deep in my heart I know she was my one and only. I’ll always lament the day that I failed to kidnap and then make sweet love to that mannequin in the Chico’s window.

Despite the heartache, one thing I did learn is the meaning behind all those 80s films. It’s not about nebbish-y men learning to stand up to their goofy friends hoping to make a quick buck off exposing the magic. It’s not about the mystical transformations of those women from magical super-being to submissive girlfriend. Those movies are really about looking deep into a fake, idealized woman and seeing something no one else sees—her soul.

Then it’s about having sex with that soul. Long-term, monogamous sex.

[sigh] What could have been …


Invest in Waterslides

Posted on August 23, 2010

Dude, I heard you won the lottery! That’s amazing! What are you going to do with all that money? Wait! Before you answer, let me tell you about a little investment opportunity.


Hear me out. Everybody loves waterslides. Kids love waterslides. Parents love waterslides. Singles, teens, fat guys, nuns with guitars—everybody loves a waterslide.

Chess players love waterslides. Luchadores love waterslides. Sea World employees love waterslides. Painters, golfers, bike messengers—they love waterslides, too. Buddhists love waterslides. Dutchesses love waterslides. Flight attendants, Shriners, hippies, podiatrists—big fans of waterslides.

Seriously. Newlyweds love waterslides. Truckers love waterslides. Haberdashers love waterslides. Frenchmen, park rangers, jewelers, lawyers, bartenders, Mormons, museum docents, Hollywood celebrities, extreme sports aficionados, copyeditors, dog breeders, international spies, party animals—all of those guys love waterslides.

Particle physicists love waterslides. Roofers love waterslides. Civil War reenactors love waterslides. Knitters love … water … I’m sorry, please don’t interrupt me while I’m listing all the people who love waterslides. I worked a long time on this presentation.

Lumberjacks love waterslides. Fops love waterslides. Security guards love … Hey, where are you going? Come back here. I didn’t tell you how Rastafarians love waterslides yet.