Our Daughter’s Unique Name
When we named our daughter Juniper, we thought we had found something cute and unique. That is until the nurse said, "Oh, that's the third Juniper since Monday!"
My wife and I tried to move forward and enjoy being new parents, but something about it got under our skin. So, we went to the Social Security office to change Juniper's name to Manitoga, which in Algonquin means "Place of the Great Spirit." Well, wouldn't you know it? The couple ahead of us was changing their daughter's name to Manitoga.
We slumped away dejected. What did it say about us as parents that we couldn't find an adorable, unique name for our daughter that could also double as the name of a boutique eyewear shop?
Colleen was the first to snap out of it. She said we could always come up with the perfect nickname for little Juniper. How 'bout Button? No—too obvious. Begonia? No. Buckingham? We settled on Piggly-puggly-doo-dah.
"Piggly-puggly-doo-dah?!"
That's a quote, by the way. You might think it was shouted by Juniper's grandmother when she heard the awesome, unique nickname. Nope. It was a lady at the playground calling out for her son. Same exact nickname. Hearing that was literally the worst moment of my life.
I wanted to give up, lick my wounds, and drift into life as some average, uninteresting father. Someone doesn't take their baby into ironic dive bars. A father who doesn't buy onesies with tattoo iconography. A dad who doesn't even use the word "iconography" at all.
That's when I thought of it. Baby costumes. Yes, Juniper might have a boring name. Yes, her Piggly-puggly-doo-dah sobriquet might have been taken. But, could anyone else say they had a daughter named Juniper Ross, a.k.a. Piggly-puggly-doo-dah, who also only wears space cat costumes?
Turns out a guy on the Internet can. He has a Tumblr devoted to it. Every day he posts a picture of his baby daughter, Juniper "Piggly-puggly-doo-dah" Ross, holding up a drawing of that day's Internet meme while wearing a space cat outfit. Yesterday's meme was Lego ukuleles.
The world is a cruel and unforgiving place devoid of meaning or hope.
Also, Lego ukuleles? That's genius. I wish I had thought of that.
Drink Order
Whenever I go out for a drink, I tend to drink in a certain order. I call it my "drink order drink order." I like the night to build over time.
I’ll start off with something non-alcoholic, like an Arnold Palmer. A couple of those, and I’ll move on to a Shirley Temple. After that, I enjoy a cocktail with a little more kick to it. Something like a Tom Collins or a Rob Roy.
Then, it’s on to a Robert Guillaume, which leads into a Craig T. Nelson or a Natalie Imbruglia. Depends on what mood I’m in. Sometimes you wanna party. (Interesting side note, a virgin Natalie Imbruglia is often called a Nelly Furtado.)
I’ll drink a Henry Wadsworth Longfellow after that, which usually steers me toward an Allison Janney with a lime. I like a good Allison Janney. It’s hard to find a bartender who doesn’t use too much grenadine in his Allison Janney.
Around that time of night, I consistently order a Bill Paxton, even though I meant to order a Bill Pullman. It’s so easy to get those drinks mixed up. One has Cointreau, the other has Citron. Very confusing.
I’ll usually finish off the night with a Redd Foxx. Or if I don’t have work the next day, a Jim Thorpe. Man, ending the night on a Jim Thorpe really messes me up the next morning. But, I guess that’s what Sundays are for.
Powers of Ten
Once you get into very large numbers, not everyone knows the proper nomenclature. Here's a quick guide to huge numbers. It goes:
Ten
Hundred
Thousand
Million
Billion
Trillion
Zillion
Kajillion
Gazillion
Bazillion
Brazilian
Super Brazilian
Bouillon
Duo Deca Gabillion
Googleplex
Mumfordplex
Dingle
Omni-dingle
Bauer's Number (One followed by a mile of zeroes typed in 12-pt Courier)
Ten to the Power of Omni-Dingle
Penultimatillion
Ultimatillion
Infinity
Infinity Plus One
Infinity Times Infinity with a Cherry on Top, No Touchbacks