Nicknames
Alright, new guys, I'm running low on nicknames, so you're gonna have to take whatever's left. I'm sorry, but I've met a lot of people in my life, and I've given every single one of them a nickname. The choices are kinda slim at this point.
Speaking of slim---you are tall and slender. I've already used up Slim, Beanpole, and Skinny Steve. I guess I'll have to call you... Obelisk. Which is also something tall and thin. You're welcome.
You nickname will be StrongJaw.
Yours will be Mr. Magoo. No, wait; I have a Mr. Magoo. Your nickname will be Squints. No wait, Pinchface McSquints. That’s more appropriate.
You’ll be Gomer.
You will be Goober.
Your nickname will be The Old Goat. I like your white beard and your vigor in chewing gum, by the way.
You're going to be called Banana Hands.
Your nickname will be Turkey Bacon. Because you have hands the size of a bunch of bananas, and you smell like turkey bacon.
Your nickname is going to be... No Glasses Guy. Because you look like a guy I worked with named Glasses Guy, except without his glasses. Do you wear contacts? No? Good.
You'll be named Fat Steve. I already have a Skinny Steve, and need to balance that out. I hope you understand, Fat Steve.
You will be nicknamed Guy-Next-to-Fate-Steve.
You---wear this beret for a second. Alright, your nickname from now on is Pierre. Never take off that beret, or I might forget your name.
You will be Barnum.
You will be Blue Shirt.
Your nickname will be FaceDude.
You will be nicknamed Bowie, because you are David Bowie. It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Bowie. I'm a huge fan of your music.
You shall be Blue Shirt Number Two.
Alright, all the rest of you who haven’t gotten nicknames yet, wait here. I am going to go grab a thesaurus and some name tags. Bowie, you can go. I’m sure you’re very busy being David Bowie.
Be back in a sec. Hold down the fort, FaceDude.
Our Daughter’s Unique Name
When we named our daughter Juniper, we thought we had found something cute and unique. That is until the nurse said, "Oh, that's the third Juniper since Monday!"
My wife and I tried to move forward and enjoy being new parents, but something about it got under our skin. So, we went to the Social Security office to change Juniper's name to Manitoga, which in Algonquin means "Place of the Great Spirit." Well, wouldn't you know it? The couple ahead of us was changing their daughter's name to Manitoga.
We slumped away dejected. What did it say about us as parents that we couldn't find an adorable, unique name for our daughter that could also double as the name of a boutique eyewear shop?
Colleen was the first to snap out of it. She said we could always come up with the perfect nickname for little Juniper. How 'bout Button? No—too obvious. Begonia? No. Buckingham? We settled on Piggly-puggly-doo-dah.
"Piggly-puggly-doo-dah?!"
That's a quote, by the way. You might think it was shouted by Juniper's grandmother when she heard the awesome, unique nickname. Nope. It was a lady at the playground calling out for her son. Same exact nickname. Hearing that was literally the worst moment of my life.
I wanted to give up, lick my wounds, and drift into life as some average, uninteresting father. Someone doesn't take their baby into ironic dive bars. A father who doesn't buy onesies with tattoo iconography. A dad who doesn't even use the word "iconography" at all.
That's when I thought of it. Baby costumes. Yes, Juniper might have a boring name. Yes, her Piggly-puggly-doo-dah sobriquet might have been taken. But, could anyone else say they had a daughter named Juniper Ross, a.k.a. Piggly-puggly-doo-dah, who also only wears space cat costumes?
Turns out a guy on the Internet can. He has a Tumblr devoted to it. Every day he posts a picture of his baby daughter, Juniper "Piggly-puggly-doo-dah" Ross, holding up a drawing of that day's Internet meme while wearing a space cat outfit. Yesterday's meme was Lego ukuleles.
The world is a cruel and unforgiving place devoid of meaning or hope.
Also, Lego ukuleles? That's genius. I wish I had thought of that.