Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Lost Map

Posted on March 31, 2011

Treasure Map

Folks? Hello, folks? Everyone, can I please have your attention for a minute? Then, I promise you can get back to bingo.

I seem to have lost a map I was carrying, and I was wondering if you all could look around your bingo tables for it. If anyone sees a map or scroll-like object, can you raise your hand and let me know? It is not a rare and ancient treasure map.

The map I lost was yellowed and a bit water-damaged around the edges. Kinda like a map that survived battles aboard a pirate ship and then centuries buried under a hearth in an empty rum bottle. It's not valuable or anything, so no reason to keep it for yourself. It just has a sentimental value. It was my ... great- ... uncle's.

Let's see, what else? The map I lost---again, just a perfectly normal map, nothing special---had a series of riddles written in iambic pentameter and salty Caribbean pidgin. By coincidence, the final riddle refers to a trading post that once stood upon the very site of this modern nursing home. Weird coincidence.

Anyhoo, has anyone spotted anything like that? Like a map that---once one toils for years solving the many complex riddles to find its true starting place---has a simple dotted line leading to a large "X" that implies buried treasure? I can't offer much of a reward for it, since it’s not worth very much. Just my gratitude and maybe a handful of precious rubies.

Oh, I see everyone is clearing out of the room, grabbing any tools or utensils at hand. I assume that’s simply excitement about afternoon gardening, since again, this map of mine is not a treasure map. Okay, okay. Let’s calm down, people. LET’S CALM DOWN!

AND, IF ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THAT MAP … IF ANY OF YOU … Aw, fuck it! OUT OF MY WAY, OLD MAN!

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