New Year’s Resolutions
Some people only make one New Year’s resolution. That's a lot of pressure to either succeed or fail. I make a ton of resolutions. That way, even if I forget what I resolved to do/not do, I'll probably keep at least one or two of my New Year’s resolutions. Just through sheer luck. (It was actually my resolution last year to make more resolutions this year.)
Here's a list of my New Year’s resolutions for 2011. This year I resolve to:
- Remain the greatest dancer alive.
- Switch over from manual to electric boogaloo.
- Cut down to one cheeseburger per day.
- Rub some dirt on it and walk it off for crap’s sake.
- See one 3-D movie every day for two days.
- Stop drinking out of non-coconut containers.
- At least triple lutz. Maybe quadruple.
- Practice at least thrice weekly for my jug band.
- Finally finish my macaroni and tempera paint portrait of James Gandolfini as Gandalf the Wizard.
- Swim like no one’s watching.
- Do my multiplication tables without using my fingers.
- Buy a second ice bucket for emergency cocktail parties.
- Win a marathon through diligent cheating.
- Learn to how use chopsticks to play Chopsticks. [This one’s just a joke. I thought I’d lighten the mood on this blog. It gets pretty heavy.]
- Dress like I mean business, goddamnit.
- Finally read my autobiography to see if the ghostwriter captured my je ne sais quoi.
- Polish up my je ne sais quoi. Wink wink … wink.
- Go back in time and prevent the Snowpocalypse.
- Stop buying off-brand sock garters. It J. Jacob Masterson's or nothin'.
- Treat every jellybean like it's my last.
- Parlay my modeling fame into a rap album and cookbook.
- Enter into more blood oaths. What the hey, why not?
- Have my blog jump the shark in such a bold, dynamic way as to make shark jumping cool again.
- Be even more paralyzed by social anxiety.
