Lesser-Known Saints
There are a ton of saints, guys. A ton. People know the big ones—the ones with the cities or beers named after them. But, what about the lesser-known saints? That’s why I’m here to help you lapsed Catholics out.
St. Carlyle – Battled a dragon. Lost, but put in a solid effort.
St. Philipius Cornelius – Accidentally slammed his finger in a carriage door every day for 40 years, yet miraculously never took the Lord’s name in vain.
St. Arnold of Bentley – Delayed the invention of birth control.
St. Catherine de Sales – Survived being burned at the stake the first five of six times. (Ultimately turned out to be a witch.)
St. Maximillian of Milan – Showed up with cold lemonade just as the cardinals were finishing moving in all the Vatican furniture.
St. Loquacious – Miraculously well-written Thank You notes.
St. Fancis of Lapidus – Witnessed the face of Christ on the cover of a Kenny Loggins album.
St. Levy the Bold – Drilled a half-court shot at the buzzer to win Sacred Hope Catholic High School its only ever state championship.
St. Walter of Muskegon – Found miracle quarters behind the ears of his grandchildren.
St. Alma de Oltrarno – Died a virgin. Never shut up about it either.
St. Bernard – Miraculously cuddly and lovable.
St. Luke of Nazarene – Got Mary Magdalene to keep quiet about the progeny.
St. Andre of Cologne – Added soft brie to the Eucharist. (Later overturned by Pope Pius IV.)
St. Leslie the Divine – Healed the lepers by calling upon them to “stop being such pussies and walk it off.”
St. Herbert the Skittish – Experienced holy fits of nervousness.
St. Vinny “Squints” Tuscadero – Never squealed once. Not even when the feds was putting the screws to him.
St. Martin of the Hills – Baptized everybody and everything he could get his hands on. Like bunnies and acorns and stuff.
St. Kevin the Elder – Looked very saintly. Really good beard.
