Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

In Disguise

Posted on August 26, 2010

Kindly Elderly Woman

Hey, Brian! Brian MacArthur! It's me, Andy. Your good friend, Andy Ross. Don't you recognize me? Oh shit, that's right; I'm disguised as an elderly woman. That would explain why you weren't waving back.

Shoot, I guess the cat's out of the bag. You've probably figured out that I’m actually a secret NSA operative. And, my day job as a comedy writer is simply a cover story. And, I've had to lie to you and our friends all these years. And, today I’m posing as a feeble grandmother-type. You guessed all that from this costume, right?

Listen, don't tell anybody about the secret agent thing, okay? I could get in real trouble with my bosses. Also, I'm finishing up a year-long mission to capture a dangerous smuggler named The Jaguar. I think I’m finally close to nabbing that murderous bastard. I can’t let him see me coming, though. Hence the disguise.

So, yeah, how ‘bout Katie’s party last night, huh? Crazy. I’ve never seen that many drunk people in one bathroom before. Sorry I had to leave early. I got a phone call from the Pentagon about a stolen submarine or something. Turned out it was fine.

Anyway, what have you been up to lately? Last I heard, you and Jenny were-- What? What do you mean you’re in the CIA? That’s incredible. Two acquaintances both leading separate lives as secret agents? The odds of that have to be staggering. Don’t tell me you’re going after The Jagaur as well? You are? Maybe we should join forces.

I got a tip The Jaguar was making a weapons drop in this very mall. One of us should cover the high ground near the Sbarro-- Brian, look out behind you! Turn around!

Ah ah. Don’t move. Keep your hands away from your body. That gun you feel in your back has killed a thousand men. It is I, The Jaguar, international smuggler and criminal mastermind.

My NSA story was, itself, a cover. Now, keep your hands where I can see them and move very slowly towards the exit. We’re going to have a nice long talk about Pentagon security codes.

By the way, did you see how wasted Tim was last night? I hope he made it home okay. Ooh, H&M is having a sale.