My Tattoos
Every day, people--especially strangers on the subway--ask me what my tattoos mean. Does each one have special significance? Often, I’ll tell them to mind their own goddamn business! But, I like you guys. You guys seem cool. So, here are the meanings behind each of my tattoos:
Tribal Symbol (left shoulder) – This one means I’m a badass. It’s also a reminder of my awesome stay at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas, where I gained a deep, spiritual connection to a Maori stripper named Jessica.
Ace of Spades (right bicep) – The playing card represents what a gamble life can be and also how giddy I get around magic tricks.
Magical Fairy (left calf) – This on means that I lost a bet with Roger about how many hard boiled eggs I could eat in a day.
Cypress Hill Lyrics (left bicep) – I got drunk at Lollapalooza when I was fifteen.
Chinese Dragon (entire back) – The dragon represents renewal or knowledge or something like that. I can’t really get a good look at it in the mirror, so I don’t know. Maybe ancestors?
Horseshoe and Moon (left shoulder blade) – My love for Lucky Charms cereal.
Johnny Cash Portrait (right pectoral) – This tattoo is a reminder that I should buy a Johnny Cash album at some point. Never listened to his music, but I’ve heard it’s pretty okay.
Flaming Skull (center of chest) – This one is really scary. Whenever I have the hiccups, I unbutton my shirt and look down at my chest to scare away my hiccups.
Teardrop (face) – I got this one when I was an extra on HBO’s prison show, Oz. I could have gotten a temporary one drawn on, but I’m pretty method.
Sexy Devil Lady (right forearm) – You know who you are.
Snake Eating a Human Heart (left forearm) – See previous tattoo.
Monster Driving a Hot Rod (right thigh) – This one represents my love for Jesus Christ.
Hula Girl (right abs) – Doesn’t really mean anything. After awhile, the parts of you without tattoos get cold--something about the insulation properties of the ink. Anyway, she dances when I eat.
