Travel Trips
Face it, winter is horrible, and it’s turning you into a grump-ass jerk. You should take a break and go somewhere nice and warm. For all of our sakes.
When you do, please follow these helpful tips for traveling:
- When traveling, wear clothes that make you feel like an adult human. Are you seriously wearing pajama pants and UGGs to the airport? Are you fucking serious right now?
- Be careful choosing a hotel. The ones spelled “hostel” are filled with vomiting Australian youths.
- If you get a deal on a vacation package that sounds too good to be true, prepare yourself for the possibility—the slightest possibility—that you’re about to be kidnapped and hunted for sport.
- Tip the bellhop one dollar for every bag or two dollars for every crate filled with live tigers.
- For overseas travel, buy a translation dictionary with common phrases you can wildly jab at once you give up trying to pronounce things.
- Did you double-check that the oven was off? Shoot, I should have asked that one first before you left. I hope that doesn’t make you obsessively nervous.
- Just because you’re on vacation it doesn’t mean you have to eat ice cream for every meal. At least, that’s some weird joke my wife keeps trying to tell me. I don’t get it.
- For security, hide a rolled up hundred dollar bill inside your shockingly deep bellybutton.
- The only cure for jet lag is to kill the jet that bit you.
- Remember the try the local cuisine. Maybe the McNuggets in Thailand are different that the ones where you live.
- Take a book. Beaches are a great place for reading while squinting.
- I heard from my friend Janice who heard from Elliot P who heard from his cousin that you can get pregnant from sitting in a hotel hot tub. For reals.
- Remember to take that rolled up hundred out of you bellybutton before it starts to smell like bellybutton.
- Unless you use every towel in the hotel bathroom, you lose.
- Souvenir t-shirts make great dusting rags after two years of never wearing them.
- If you use the phrase “whatever happens in blank stays in blank,” people will know that nothing interesting happened to you.
