Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

The Purplest Nurple

Posted on July 13, 2010

The following is an excerpt from my tween murder mystery novel, The Purplest Nurple, about a kid who dies from a titty twister:


“What are we even doing in here?” begged Smitts. “There might be a ga-ga-ga-ghost.”

Smitty could be a real dork sometimes. I flicked him in the junk. Hard. That shut him up. “Shhh, we’re getting evidence, stupid,” I told him, because that’s what we were doing.

Smitts kept tugging at his shorts, trying to get his nuts to not ache. “But, the school said it was anophalastical shock. ‘Cause he ate a peanut.” He meant antapolapstic shock. Duh.

“You saw those bruises around his nips. That was no accidental death, Smitts. It was murder by titty twister.” I was right, of course. I’m right a ton of the time.

I had just set down the victim’s Lego Deathstar when his mom came in with a tray. “I thought you boys might like some Rice Crispy treats and juice,” she said, all chipper and stuff. Smitts is a lard-ass, so he snatched ‘em up right away.

“Thanks, Mrs. Flannery. Hey! These are real good. Do they got M&Ms in ‘em?” Smitty asked with his fat mouth.

“They sure do, Riley. Peanut M&Ms.”

“Peanut M&Ms?” I said, “I thought Josh was allergic to peanuts.” Josh’s mom’s face got all sad, and I realized I was coming on too strong, Batman-style.

“He was, poor thing. We haven’t been able to have peanuts in the house since he was born.” She was kind of sniffling, but then she got real happy again. “But, now we can have all the peanuts we want!”

Right then’s when I noticed the locket she was wearing. It was the same locket I had saw on coach Meyerson’s desk in the locker room where Josh was found. No, it couldn’t be--Josh’s mom and Coach Meyerson? Were they boyfriend and girlfriend, even though she was married?

And, could that have something to do with the titty twister? Holy balls! We had to get out of there …


Comments (0) Trackbacks (0)

No comments yet.

Leave a comment

No trackbacks yet.