Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Tips to Beat the Heat

Posted on July 8, 2010


Here are a few tips for keeping cool in this summer’s stupid hot heat:

- Place a cold compress on the back of your neck.

- Find a shady area.

- Avoid strenuous activities, like triathlons or World’s Strongest Man competitions.

- Drink plenty of water. Remember: Gatorade is only for teenage boys and hillbillies.

- Light colors reflect the sunlight. Paint yourself titanium white.

- Wear a wide-brimmed hat, like that novelty foam cowboy hat I won for you at Six Flags. Remember? I got three 100-point shots at Skeeball! Three in one game!

- Never leave a pet in a parked car. Unless it’s a potentially delicious pet chicken.

- Wear lightweight, loose-fitting clothing despite it being Comic-Con and you having glued all that rad shit to your unitard.

- Avoid drinking alcohol, which actually dehydrates you. Also, you’re a mean drunk.

- Use your trunk to fling cooling mud onto your back.

- Stay inside someplace air-conditioned, even though the only thing playing at 2:30 is The Last Airbender, which everyone says sucks.

- Carry around a parasol and say things like, “My my, I do believe I’ve caught the vapors.”

- Frozen custard five times a day.

- Make friends with someone who owns a boat. Do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

- My thirteen-year-old nephew wants me to inform you that in New York State, it is legal for ladies to go topless.

- Put your bed sheets in the freezer. Mattress too.

- Check in on elderly neighbors, who are more prone to heat stroke. Maybe you’ll get a Werther’s Original out of it.

- Cut open a polar bear and climb inside.

That’s it for now. Stay cool, guys. Stay cool forever.

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