Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Planting Dont’s and Dont’s

Posted on August 25, 2010

I’m not very good at raising plants. Every plant I’ve ever owned has dies a slow and painful death. (I’m just guessing about the painful part; I don’t think plants have nervous systems, but I clearly can’t trust my judgment when it comes to plants.)

So, instead of giving you guys advice on how to grow a houseplant, I thought I’d give you tips on how not to grow a houseplant:

1) Don’t yell at your plant too much. But, don’t yell at it too little. I’ve made both mistakes.

2) Don’t try to stretch your plant to make it grow faster.

3) Don’t accidently microwave your plant.

4) Don’t name your plant a girl’s name if it’s clearly a boy plant. It’ll be embarrassed around other plants.

5) Don’t let your plant watch you eat vegetables. Apparently, that scars it psychologically.

6) Don’t give your plant too much chocolate syrup. It’ll become a spoiled brat and start inviting ants to your apartment without permission.

7) Don’t expect edible tomatoes in the first month. Especially if it’s a cactus.

8) Don’t take your plant on bike rides unless you have really strong tape for the handlebars.

9) Don’t talk about money problems in front of your plant.

10) Don’t forget where you hid your plant during Hide & Seek.

11) Don’t wait until it’s too late to have the pollens and the bees talk with your plant.

12) Don’t make your own manure.

13) Don’t leave your pet deer unsupervised with your plants.

14) Don’t try hydroponic growing until you look up what hydroponic means.

15) Don’t keep adding more and more dirt.

16) Don’t use the Super Soaker at full blast to water the plant.

17) Don’t not listen to this advice.

That’s it. Good luck and happy mulching.

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  1. This answers a number of questions for me.

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