Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross


Posted on November 15, 2010

Honey, I know you're only three years old, so you might not understand this, but I need you to stop anthropomorphizing everything. It's making it very hard for me to throw things away.

Do you know what anthropomorphizing is, Bobby? Do you, sweetheart? It means when you make "friends" with things that aren't alive. Like Teddy--Teddy is a stuffed toy. He's not alive. It's okay to love Teddy and think he has feelings, because Teddy is special. But, a carton of orange juice is different.

When you make friends with a carton of orange juice, and you name the carton, and you tell Mommy what the carton wants to be when it grows up, it makes putting that carton in the trash very hard for Mommy. Mommy gets sad when I have to say goodbye to the orange juice carton. Which is unreasonable. Do you know what unreasonable means, Bobby?

It means you can't tell Mommy that baby mice miss their grandpas like you miss your grandpa. The baby mice don't miss their grandpas in that way. They’re not the same as you and me. Mommy has to believe that difference exists in order to be able to set the mousetraps. Humane traps don't work, Honey. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.

Okay, you know how you love Mr. Printer? And, you say the noises he makes when he's printing are him singing? Well, Mr. Printer's scanner broke three months ago, and I don't have the heart to get a new Mr. Printer. We need a scanner, but Mommy can't stop picturing what will happen to the old Mr. Printer in the dump.

Please--I'm begging you--stop naming your t-shirts. Especially the ones with holes in them. And, don’t talk about pigeons like they’re waiting to be adopted. Because, I was this close to letting one come inside before I realized what I was doing. It had one foot, Bobby. One foot.

You have to stop anthropomorphizing things. Bobby, you have to do it for Mommy. I’m at the end of my ropes here.

Do you remember yesterday, when Mommy was crying during The Brave Little Toaster? That wasn’t because of the movie, Honey. It’s because I realized what my life has become.

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