Mom’s Computer
Alright, Mom, let's set up this new computer you got for Christmas. Now, there are going to be some differences between this one and your old computer, because they’ve changed a bit since the mid-90s. For instance, when you turn this one on, notice how it doesn't make a grinding ka-chunk ka-chunk sound?
The second thing you might note is that this new computer starts up in less than 45 minutes. Also, it’s not dirty beige. And, the screen doesn’t flicker a weird tangerine color. And, you can open email attachments without deleting something else first. And, you can have more than one window open at once. Welcome to the future, Mom. Tomorrow is here today.
You can even watch videos on your new computer. Just type in search terms for your interests, like “Diana Krall singing” or “knitting tutorials.” Oh, I got it—remember when you wanted to cook a duck, but you didn’t know how to prepare it? Well, let’s type in “boning a duck” and wait a sec and … OH MY GOD! THAT’S DISGUSTING!
Homepage, homepage! Click the little homepage button!
Mom, I am so sorry. I swear I had no idea that video was gonna come up. I’m sorry you saw that. I’m sorry I saw you seeing that.
Let’s try again. How about we try “de-boning a duck?” I’ll just type … that … in and … OH, C’MON! THAT’S JUST THE SAME VIDEO IN REVERSE WITH THE BENNY HILL MUSIC PLAYING!
Well, I guess it’s too early to explain what a “meme” or a “remix” is to you, but it’s a thing that happens on the Internet. And, I think we just bumped into one of the more repugnant ones. I promise the Internet is not all just ducks and men with psychosexual mental disorders.
Let’s give this one last try. We’ll forget about ducks and do a simple image search. Something safe like “hot air … balloon … pictures.” Now, we just wait for the page to load and … MOTHERFUCKER! THAT’S JUST GROSS! That is so gross, yo! Don’t they have a content filter system?!
Alright, that’s it. We’re turning off your computer. Mom, you are not to go on the Internet ever. You hear me? Everyone on the Internet is disgusting and crass and disgusting. They are disgusting dirtbags. Filthy, disgusting dirtbags.
Every single one of them.
Anthropomorphism
Honey, I know you're only three years old, so you might not understand this, but I need you to stop anthropomorphizing everything. It's making it very hard for me to throw things away.
Do you know what anthropomorphizing is, Bobby? Do you, sweetheart? It means when you make "friends" with things that aren't alive. Like Teddy--Teddy is a stuffed toy. He's not alive. It's okay to love Teddy and think he has feelings, because Teddy is special. But, a carton of orange juice is different.
When you make friends with a carton of orange juice, and you name the carton, and you tell Mommy what the carton wants to be when it grows up, it makes putting that carton in the trash very hard for Mommy. Mommy gets sad when I have to say goodbye to the orange juice carton. Which is unreasonable. Do you know what unreasonable means, Bobby?
It means you can't tell Mommy that baby mice miss their grandpas like you miss your grandpa. The baby mice don't miss their grandpas in that way. They’re not the same as you and me. Mommy has to believe that difference exists in order to be able to set the mousetraps. Humane traps don't work, Honey. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.
Okay, you know how you love Mr. Printer? And, you say the noises he makes when he's printing are him singing? Well, Mr. Printer's scanner broke three months ago, and I don't have the heart to get a new Mr. Printer. We need a scanner, but Mommy can't stop picturing what will happen to the old Mr. Printer in the dump.
Please--I'm begging you--stop naming your t-shirts. Especially the ones with holes in them. And, don’t talk about pigeons like they’re waiting to be adopted. Because, I was this close to letting one come inside before I realized what I was doing. It had one foot, Bobby. One foot.
You have to stop anthropomorphizing things. Bobby, you have to do it for Mommy. I’m at the end of my ropes here.
Do you remember yesterday, when Mommy was crying during The Brave Little Toaster? That wasn’t because of the movie, Honey. It’s because I realized what my life has become.