Mom’s Computer
Alright, Mom, let's set up this new computer you got for Christmas. Now, there are going to be some differences between this one and your old computer, because they’ve changed a bit since the mid-90s. For instance, when you turn this one on, notice how it doesn't make a grinding ka-chunk ka-chunk sound?
The second thing you might note is that this new computer starts up in less than 45 minutes. Also, it’s not dirty beige. And, the screen doesn’t flicker a weird tangerine color. And, you can open email attachments without deleting something else first. And, you can have more than one window open at once. Welcome to the future, Mom. Tomorrow is here today.
You can even watch videos on your new computer. Just type in search terms for your interests, like “Diana Krall singing” or “knitting tutorials.” Oh, I got it—remember when you wanted to cook a duck, but you didn’t know how to prepare it? Well, let’s type in “boning a duck” and wait a sec and … OH MY GOD! THAT’S DISGUSTING!
Homepage, homepage! Click the little homepage button!
Mom, I am so sorry. I swear I had no idea that video was gonna come up. I’m sorry you saw that. I’m sorry I saw you seeing that.
Let’s try again. How about we try “de-boning a duck?” I’ll just type … that … in and … OH, C’MON! THAT’S JUST THE SAME VIDEO IN REVERSE WITH THE BENNY HILL MUSIC PLAYING!
Well, I guess it’s too early to explain what a “meme” or a “remix” is to you, but it’s a thing that happens on the Internet. And, I think we just bumped into one of the more repugnant ones. I promise the Internet is not all just ducks and men with psychosexual mental disorders.
Let’s give this one last try. We’ll forget about ducks and do a simple image search. Something safe like “hot air … balloon … pictures.” Now, we just wait for the page to load and … MOTHERFUCKER! THAT’S JUST GROSS! That is so gross, yo! Don’t they have a content filter system?!
Alright, that’s it. We’re turning off your computer. Mom, you are not to go on the Internet ever. You hear me? Everyone on the Internet is disgusting and crass and disgusting. They are disgusting dirtbags. Filthy, disgusting dirtbags.
Every single one of them.
You Stupid Computer!
Oh man, computer! Why can’t you just work for once? Damn it, you were supposed to be auto-saving! I expected you to crash. You always crash. But, at least auto-save. I hate you, you stupid computer.
Look at you, sitting there on the desk, acting like it’s my fault. Don’t even pretend this is about me not running an update. I update you plenty.
Listen, I don’t want to fight in front of the lamp. Lamp, this isn’t about you. We both love you. But, sometimes the computer and I, we just don’t see eye-to-webcam. Especially since the new printer showed up.
Yeah, computer, don’t think I didn’t notice that’s when the problems started. As soon as I installed the new printer driver, everything changed between us. Suddenly, you stopped receiving my email. Your start-up time got slower. Your trash icon vanished.
You think I don’t notice you running in stand-by mode with the printer all night? I might not care so much if the printer had a secure wi-fi connection, but we both know it doesn’t. God knows what kind of viruses the printer is picking up out there. I can’t even look at you, knowing its USB plug has been inside you.
Look what you’ve done; you’ve upset the chair. Now it’s squeaking.
Listen, I gotta take a walk to clear my head. Maybe spend some time on my smartphone. That’s right, computer; I have a smartphone on the side. It makes me feel young and free, and it plays Scrabble with me in the park. And, unlike you, my smartphone gets my email. Any time I want it.
Chair, lamp, file cabinet, don’t you worry; I’ll come back. You will always be my office furniture. I promise. The computer and I both just need some time to cool off, that’s all.
See ya later, light switch.