Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Tapestry Return

Posted on April 26, 2011


Excuse me. Yes, I need to return this seventeenth century French tapestry I purchased earlier today from your auction house. It has a mustard stain on it.

Look, right here by the winged dog... gryphon, sure, I knew that. Right here by the gryphon’s tail, there's a big splotch of yellow mustard. At first I thought it was a pond reflecting the sunset or something. But, see, look closely. It’s still wet, and it smells like mustard. It’s definitely mustard.

I don't see how you could, in good conscience, sell such an expensive item with a flaw like that. Setting aside the piece’s historical significance, including the border-thingy you guys talked up during the sale. Strapwork cartouches, that’s right. Strapwork cartouches.

Yes, I am sure the mustard was there when I bought it! Why would I have paid $242,000 for a tapestry with mustard on it? That's a lot of money. I could buy 121,000 hot dogs for that. You know, at the hot dog cart right outside.

Or, I could have gotten 60,500 hot dog lunch specials that include a bag of potato chips and a can of ginger ale, which I think is a pretty good value for one’s money. Unlike this tapestry.

This is a travesty---not just for me, but for the tapestry, itself. Don't you people care about the historical significance of this ... I forget, is it French or Flemish? This French tapestry. Look, it’s got a lion and a deer sleeping beside each other. That’s a beautiful sentiment sullied by your incompetence. If only all lions and deer slept together, the world would be a better place.

Pardon me? Mustard on my tie? OH MAN!!! Your stupid tapestry got mustard on my tie! This is one of my favorite ties, and now you've gotten mustard all over it with your dumb, mustardy tapestry.

Do you know how much I paid for this tie? I don’t remember, but it was a lot. Especially at Filene’s Basement, where I normally find better deals on ties. But, I paid more for this one, because it had ducks on it.

This will not stand, sir. I demand that you return the check I wrote for this tapestry. It’s the one post-dated for next week, when I have a chance to move around some accounts. Not that the details of my personal injury claim money are any business of yours! Just give me back my check, and you can have your stained tapestry.

I'm washing my hands of this entire affair.

Seriously, do you have a bathroom where I can wash my hands? They're all sticky from relish.

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  1. A fresh, wet mustard stain on a newly purchased quarter-of-a-million dollar, antique French tapestry?! I hate when that happens . . .

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