Reasons I Might Hate You
If you are a stranger, and I have just handed you this business card, it means that I hate you. To understand the specifics of why someone you have never met before hates you, please refer to the list of reasons in small print on the back of this card. One or more may be circled.
(over)
- You have mentioned Harvard unprompted.
- I am tired, and you don't seem tired.
- You are a teenager.
- You are muscular.
- You have brought up your food allergy in a non-dining situation.
- You seem too "into" your “lover.”
- You have mentioned the Hamptons unsolicited.
- You have not given up your subway seat to a pregnant woman.
- You are a pregnant woman who seems insufficiently grateful that I gave up my subway seat for you.
- Your sunglasses cost more than a movie ticket.
- I don't like your voice.
- You are playing football with your shirt off. [See also: any other sport.]
- You have not said thank you to my holding the door open for you.
- You claim to not own a television.
- You refuse to walk on a MOVING SIDEWALK! IT STILL HAS THE WORD "WALK" IN ITS NAME!
- You are clearly coming from yoga at 3pm on a weekday.
- You are looking over my shoulder for someone more important.
- You have reclined your airplane seat the very first opportunity.
- You are wearing Tom's shoes, which I know shouldn't be a thing, but I kinda hate people who wear those. I know, I know---it shouldn't be a thing. But, they sell those shoes at Whole Foods, for Christ's sake. Also, the guy who started the company wears a summer scarf in an American Express commercial. Super gross.
- You have eaten the last appetizer off a tray right before I could.
- You are slowly repopulating your purse at the checkout counter.
- You have contradicted me during party conversation. [Subset: You have pointed out that I misquoted a New Yorker article at a party.]
- Your child has an old man's name. Or is named after an herb.
- Your blog got a book deal.
- All of the above.
Non-Costume Party
Hey, Debra, thanks so much for having me at this party. It's been a lot of fun.
Uh… I guess I should probably explain my appearance. I had thought this was a costume party. And, actually, it's kind of weird that no one noticed I was dressed up as Harry Potter.
I mean, what does it say about me that I came to a party filled with my closest friends, and nobody thought twice about me wearing a cloak and glasses? Am I trying too hard to get attention in life? Am I the guy who wears a cloak to a normal, non-costume party?
The invitation said to “dress up.” Does that not mean costumes? To me, that means “wear a costume.”
When I first got here, I assumed everyone else's costumes were just super subtle. Like, I thought Phil was dressed as Where's Waldo. But, then it turned out that his wife had bought him a new shirt. Which explains why he looked at me funny when I said, “There you are! There’s Waldo!”
When I finally realized that I was the only one dressed up, I got really confused as to why nobody was calling me out on it. I mean, sure, people were giving me a hard time, but no harder of a time than normal.
Was everyone ignoring me being in costume on purpose? Was it a prank? Like a “don’t encourage him” kind of thing. But, it wasn’t that. People genuinely didn’t seem to notice that I was dressed as a boy wizard. So, I started dropping hints. Like saying lines from the Harry Potter movies and pretending to cast a spell on the punch bowl. But, nothing. People honestly didn't realize I was in costume. Honestly, that's fucked up!
It's not just that you guys are unobservant, which you clearly are. I mean, let's share some of the blame here. But, more importantly, it says something about me. It's says that I'm that guy.
I always worried I was that guy. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew I liked attention a little too much. And, part of me understood I have kind of a “goofy younger brother” thing going on. But, Jesus Christ, am I the guy that everyone just assumes is always wearing a costume? So, that when I actually do wear a costume, nobody notices?
I had a full-born panic attack about that when Charlie was blowing out his birthday candles. That’s why I was sitting on the coffee table with my head between my knees. I don’t think anybody saw me. Or maybe they did. Maybe they thought I was being my normal, weird self…
Phew…
… It feels like the floor is dropping out from under me. I don’t mean to be a drama queen here. Am I a drama queen? I guess only a drama queen would ask that question.
So, yeah, I’m gonna head out. Maybe take some time to think about stuff. Maybe join an ashram or something. Unless that’s attention-seeking as well. It probably is …
Anyway, nice party. Tell Charlie happy birthday for me. G'night.
My Etsy Site
Things I have for sale on my Etsy site:
- Knitted ukulele cozy
- Jewelry shaped like cupcakes
- Cupcakes shaped like jewelry
- Knitted cupcake cozy
- A computer keyboard made of recycled buttons and brooches
- Steampunk costumes for pet ferrets
- Handwritten list of bands you should check out
- Knitted bike seat cozy
- Felt bike seat cozy
- Trivets made from recycled past Etsy purchases
- Leggo iPad dock shaped like a squirrel wearing an ugly Cosby sweater
- Knitted skateboard cozy
- Messenger bags made out of old headphones
- A chair Mod Podged with magazine photos of Zoey Dechanel
- Knitted knitting needle cozy
Spy vs. Spy Toy
Hi, you guys. I’ve been lax in updating this blog over the past week, which I know has many of you suffering pretty severe withdrawal symptoms. I apologize. The reason is that I was asked to contribute to an amazing project for MAD Magazine. I just handed it in, so I can finally show it off.
Dave Croatto over at MAD is spearheading a huge celebration for Spy vs. Spy’s 50th anniversary. He sent dozens of six-inch plastic toy blanks around the world to some super talented artists, designers and toy makers, and somehow I was lucky enough to be included. Each contributor had free range to modify the toy however he or she wanted.
Here’s the process that went into my contribution:
The six-inch plastic blank…
Disassembled into its component parts.
Applying my first few coats of Flashe paint. Each color needed about five coats. I had never painted a model before; It’s painstaking but that much more satisfying.
Here I am hardening a pumpkin I made out of a ping pong ball and Sculpey. I had never worked with Sculpey before. Normally you bake it, but I couldn't risk the ping pong interior melting in my toaster oven.
The final coats of paint.
Up on my roof, applying a few passes of protective spray finish. (Coincidentally disturbing my neighbors’ last romantic sunset before they moved upstate. They seemed nice. I wish I had met them before they moved away.)
I designed a skeleton template on the computer. Then, I scored through the printout to create decals out of theatrical glow tape. I also made some bombs out of Sculpey and cotton twine that I forgot to photograph.
My finished Spy. His Halloween bucket is filled with smaller bombs, so the name of the piece is “Trick or Trick.”
Left and right profiles.
The side-by-side of him in the light and glowing in the dark.
Same with the back.
It has been a real honor to be included in this art project. I had a hard time handing it over after two weeks of sneaking in painting and sculpting after work or shows.
But, turning it in, I got a chance to see some of the other finished spies, and they are terrific! So proud to have mine alongside them.
They’ll be on display at the DC booth at the 2011 San Diego Comic-Con. If you have a chance to see them, I highly recommend it. Otherwise, you can see more now at MAD’s blog The Idiotical.
Now, I promise to get back to writing stupid puns and stuff.