More St. Patrick’s Day Limericks
Last year, I wrote some filthy limericks for yourselves in honor of St. Patrick's Day. And, what an honor it must have been. Well, I've written some more, and here they are:
There was a young sailor named Kip
Who stopped in O’Shea’s for a nip;
The waitress that night though
Wore a dress oh so tight, so
To her he could give just the tip.
A man with a slew of green beads
Passed ‘em out as reward for misdeeds;
Like a kiss on the cheek
Or occasional peek
At those parts where a babe tends to feed.
A chip shop on Foster and Dean
Had never been said to be clean;
Filled with Irish devotion
They threw a promotion:
The food there would turn your face green.
A girl of the innocent type
Got caught up in St. Paddy’s Day hype;
She joined a drum corps,
Where she step-danced and more;
For she learned there to blow bag and pipe.
Sean O’Day on a trip to the pound
Was astonished by what he had found;
A dachshund named Beaner
Proved itself quite the wiener;
It was hung like an Irish wolfhound.
A dentist named Michael Magee
Could not have been nicer to me;
Though I've started to wonder
Why when he puts me under
I awake with a sore cavity.
A baker from Howe prone to fits
In the process of losing his wits
Proceeded to go nuts
And bake fifty doughnuts
The shape of dicks, clits, slits, and tits.
Old Darby’s wife, Megan McQuinn,
Produced Irish twin after twin
For, without a doubt
After pushing one out,
She invited old Darby back in.
If you like those (and why wouldn't you?) there are more here and here. Also, please feel free to write your own and leave them in the comments. I'm looking at you, Elizabeth Sullivan.
Fall Limericks
I've written some more limericks for yourselves in honor of autumn. Good lord, I'm good at this. Is there a career path for the naturally gifted, yet somewhat lazy limerick writer?
Young loves on a trip almost done
Tried a corn maze off Route Fifty-One.
When they reached a dead end,
She proceeded to bend
And they found it a-maize-ingly fun.
A squirrel getting ready for winter
Was hoarding three months' worth of dinner.
When a pretty squirreless
Talked of coming distress,
He agreed that he'd store his nuts in her.
There once was a hipster named Randy
Whose long scarf seemed pretty darn dandy.
But sooner than later
On the wrong escalator
The emergency button proved handy.
When Ted saw a fresh-raked leaf pile,
He decided to jump in with style.
A half gainer he dived,
And his spine broke in five
As he missed the leaf pile by a mile.
A stunning cheerleader named Claire
Had oddly bright red-fuschia hair.
We thought it was dyed,
But we couldn't decide
'Cause high kicks proved down there was Naired bare.
When Carl called work sick with the flu,
His boss thought him speaking untrue.
So he snuck to Carl's house,
Where he spied his own spouse
Get a “flu shot” from ol’ you-know-who.
More Limericks
Sorry if this post is later than usual. I went to the Mermaid Parade on Coney Island today. And, all the exposed flesh got me thinking. So, I've written some more dirty limericks for you all. Because, that's the kind of thinking I was doing.
Doc, I’m feeling extremely stressed,
And I worry I’ve somewhat regressed:
For now as a rule,
My mouth fills with drool
Whenever I see a plump breast.
After swimming, young Brent was quite spent
So, into the showers he went;
But the pool so cool
That Brent’s family jewel
Had shrunk by 200 percent.
At the drive-in in her Mini Cooper
Clarice was a wonderful trooper
The space was confining,
But through excellent timing
Sex wasn’t just super, but duper.
[alt. version]
At the drive-in in her Mini Cooper
Clarice was a wonderful trooper
The space was confining,
But through excellent timing
She avoided a poke in her pooper.
A cocky young stand-up in London
Took the stage with his fly fully undone;
This most serious gaff
Got the night’s biggest laugh,
For his balls were the size of an onion.
Drinking Mnemonic
A simple mnemonic device to remember at the bar:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor then beer, you’re in the clear.
Beer before more beer, the frat boys will cheer. Liquor and more liquor, joyride in a cherry picker.
"Near beer" before liquor, now you got trickier. Liquor then a cute rear, you probably will leer.
Beer and then licorice, my that’s a tasty dish. Liquor then bears, campers caught unawares.
Beer and then wine, ‘cause it’s in summertime. Wine then soft cheeses, give me more pleases.
This drinking mnemonic has been brought to you by New Hope Rehabilitation Center. It’s never too late to start your life over full of hope.
Ode To A Swan
Oh, you swan;
You beautiful swan;
You swan which swam,
Swimming so swan-like and so on.
Swim, you swan. Swim.
Now wander, swan.
Wander, waddling the along warm sand.
Waddle towards that trash can;
And stretch your swan-ish neck
To check for Annette’s discarded hamburger.
Who knew swans wanted McDonalds?
Now, hiss;
Hiss, you swan.
Hiss at that kid whose wrist you will hit;
Swinging your long neck
And smacking it, stingingly, upon that kid’s back.
You are an evil hissing bitch, swan.
I know you’re male swan, but you’re still a bitch.
Like some old, once-handsome Broadway star
That I accidently make eye contact with at Borders;
And, the dude starts screaming about his privacy;
And I’m all like, “Whoa, I don’t even know who you are, dude.”
And, the mean, old queen turns green
And pats his heart with a salmon-colored scarf
And, dejectedly seeks his autobiography;
But, they don’t carry it. Why would they?
You are like that old dude, swan;
Except worse, because you hit kids;
And get away with it because you’re a wild animal.
You’re a jerk, swan.
So, why don’t you go jerk off, swan?
Ooooh, look at me, I’m a swan.
Fuck you.
St. Patrick’s Day Limericks
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I decided to write a few limericks for yourselves. This was probably the most fun I've had in a long while, so expect more down the line.
Along the Saint Paddy’s parade
A few drunken friendships were made;
We’d let out a cheer,
Spilling pints of green beer
And then vomit the color of jade.
When a newlywed couple got bored
They attempted at something untoward;
They began on the stairs
But were caught unawares
By the pressure on her spinal cord.
There was a young man, last name Riddle
With a pain deep inside of his middle;
It was from a disease,
And whenever he’d sneeze,
He’d shit in his pants just a little.
There was a shy freshman named Lee,
Whose crush threw a dorm room orgy;
When he wasn’t invited,
Lee stayed up all night ‘nd
Thought of her while he played with his Wii.
Tess McNeil was a bit of a runt;
Her stature had always been stunt;
What she lacked in her height
She made up for at night,
For she had her the world’s largest bed.