Dear Hotel Maid
Dear Hotel Maid,
First off, if you prefer to be called a housekeeper, I apologize. The DO NOT DISTURB sign said “maid,” so that’s what I went with.
Secondly, and this is the big one, I’m sorry for the condition of the room. It’s just that my wife and I haven’t had a vacation in awhile. So, we kinda did it up. That’s not blood in the corner, by the way; it’s margarita mix.
In the bathroom, though, that’s blood. Shaving accident.
As for all the burn holes in the chair, it may seem like we were smoking cigarettes in this non-smoking room. But, I promise we weren’t. We were simply holding lit cigarettes during some film noir sexual role-playing. Again, I swear we weren’t actually smoking.
(Honey, if you’re reading this before the maid/housekeeper, don’t be upset. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in our beautiful, imaginative lovemaking. It’s how we’ll eventually make a baby.)
Also, Ms. Room Cleaner, thank you for bringing so many fresh towels. I know it was more than we could have possibly used, but they were so nice and warm from the dryer. And, whenever we tried to re-warm them in the microwave, they kept catching on fire.
Sorry we broke the microwave.
As far as the ice bucket goes, that was broken when we got here. It’s understandable that no one noticed before. We only discovered it when the massage oil leaked out.
Finally--the furry thing in the air duct. Don’t worry; it’s not an animal. It’s a wig that makes me feel pretty. We tried to get it out with a coat hanger, but we lost the coat hanger. If you can get the wig free and mail it back to me, that’d be a big help.
Yeah, anyway, we like to party. So, I’m including a $500 tip for your help and discretion. There’s also some money for a new mattress.
Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
Mr. & Mrs. Ross
My First Act as Mayor
As my first act as mayor, I am going to get rid of all these squirrels. It’s the platform I ran under, and the voters have clearly given me a mandate. Today is the dawn of a new era for our great city. No longer shall we be plagued by these thieving, bushy-tailed tree rats.
When I started my third party candidacy, people said I was crazy. No one believed that a simple falafel vendor with no government experience could get elected mayor—especially with such a focused campaign of ridding our community of its squirrel infestation. Seriously, people thought I was some kind of wacko.
But, as the race progressed, something happened. First, the incumbent Democratic candidate was caught on videotape taking bribes from an orphanage builder. The audio is a little fuzzy, but you could actually make out the mayor saying, “Asbestos, schmabestos. Give me my damn money, you c*#%!”
Then, just a week ago, the Republican candidate had his unfortunate autoerotic asphyxiation accident. And, after his death, the polygamy charges came to light. My heart goes out to his families.
(I can’t be sure of it, but I’m sure squirrels were involved somehow in his passing. Maybe their annoying squirrel chatter kept the Tea Party candidate from hearing the safe word. My heart goes out to her family as well.)
Now, normally a third party candidate still wouldn’t stand a chance of getting elected. However, people believed in my message of poisoning every squirrel that ever stole a falafel from my cart. That, and the election fell on the same day the American Idol tour bus broke down near the fairgrounds. I heard it was a pretty good free concert. I wouldn’t know; I was busy taking part in the lowest voter turnout ever recorded.
And yesterday, with a whopping six percent of the vote, I beat out the Aliens-Are-Controlling-Our-Jews candidate to become your new mayor.
So, look out, squirrels! I’m prepared to spend every dime this city has to outfit our police and firefighters with anti-squirrel hammers. Your days of terrorizing our noble cart vendors are over.
God bless you all, and God bless America.
New Job Dos and Don’ts
Now that the economy is picking back up (and your unemployment benefits have finally run out), it’s time to get a job. So, go out a get one … Did you get a job yet? Good. Then, here are a few dos and don’ts for your first day:
Do thank your new boss for the opportunity.
Don’t challenge him to an Indian leg wrestling match.
Do iron your shirt to make a good first impression
Don’t wear your homemade Twilight t-shirt.
Do fill out all your employee paperwork carefully.
Don’t fold it into an origami grasshopper, no matter how incredibly impressive that is.
Do make friends with the receptionist.
Don’t throw up.
Do learn how to transfer calls correctly.
Don’t cut the phone lines so that they can’t call the police.
Do make small talk around the water cooler.
Don’t whisper small talk from behind the water cooler.
Do bring a sack lunch.
Don’t bring your personal chef. People might figure out that you're just there to research your next film role.
Do set up a tricky password for your work email.
Don’t constantly brag about how tricky it is. Everybody already knows it’s t3am3dward.
Do clean up after yourself in the office kitchen.
Don’t clean yourself in the office kitchen.
Do learn about the company’s history.
Don’t cry at the sad parts.
Do put supplies back where you found them.
Don’t pretend you’re putting them to sleep in their little supply cabinet bedroom.
Do refill the photocopier with paper.
Don’t refill the photocopier with lasagna noodles.
Do get there a little early.
Don’t leave there until they promise you can come back tomorrow. Make them pinky swear.
Good luck. Remember, don't do any of the above don'ts. I'm serious.
All Your Paperwork
Alright, just a few last steps, and we should be all set. We need to make sure all your paperwork is in order before we sign off on the agreement. I’m going to read off a list of documents, and if you could, please place them on the desk as I cross them off:
- W2 forms for the past five years
- Credit ratings
- Two forms of photo ID
- Social security card
- Proof of renter’s insurance
- Letter of good standing from a current landlord
- Letter of good standing from two previous landlords
- Stock dividends
- Records of student loan payments
- Letters confirming employment
- Promissory note from employers that company is not downsizing
- Criminal background check
- Retirement fund statements
- Bank statements for the past 12 months
- Psychological aptitude test
- Signature of a guarantor
- Proof you have never had bedbugs
Okay, it looks like you’ve got all your documentation in order. Congratulations! Here’s your new adoptive baby. I’m sure you’ll make a terrific ...
What? You didn’t want to adopt a baby? You wanted to rent an apartment in New York City? Oh no, you don’t enough paperwork for that.
Where’s your letter of reference from a film celebrity? Where is your grandmother’s Daughters of the American Revolution membership card? I don’t see your human genome map in here anywhere. No no no, you can’t rent an apartment here.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have this baby? Look how cute it is.
Today’s Inspiration Thought
Think about the humble bumblebee. There’s a story that says the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly. It’s too fat and hairy for its little wings to get it up off the ground. The laws of aerodynamics say a bumblebee’s flight is impossible.
And, yet, despite being told what it can’t do, the bumblebee does fly. It reaches beyond its limitations, and it soars.
You are like that bumblebee. You are fat and hairy. You have spindly little legs and giant, black eyes. Just like the bumblebee, no one believes you can do it. And yet, somehow you can fly.
Well, wait, no. I guess you can’t fly.
But, like the bumblebee, you can convert pollen into delicious honey … You can’t really do that either. You make a buzzing sound, maybe? I don’t know. You gotta meet me halfway on something here.
Montessori Silent Auction List
Thank you for your interest in the Fifth Annual Mountainview Montessori Silent Auction! Each year, this auction raises funds for much-needed Montessori school supplies. Last year's auction brought in over $15,000 to buy sandpaper letters, knob-less cylinders, and two dozen binomial cubes. How exciting is that!!
There’s still time to bid on the last few items donated by fellow parents and community members. Hurry before they’re all gone:
Item #304
Amish Picnic Basket with Picnic Foods
Minimum Bid: $110
Old-world crafted basket filled with all your picnic needs—tahini, tofu, kale, rice milk, lentils, tempeh, almond paste, almond cakes, almond noodles, and for dessert ... oatcicles!
Item #359
Children’s Yoga Party
Minimum Bid: $300
Two hours of 105° heated Bikram Yoga instruction for up to twelve children, 4-years-old and up. This is not for beginning child yoga students. Must sign waiver.
Item #403
Hand-Crafted Polymer Clay Earrings
Minimum Bid: $40
Beautiful turquoise-colored clay earrings in the shape of twin dolphins hugging the globe. Made by our own art teacher, Mrs. Frumpner.
Item #412
3 Hours of Gardening
Minimum Bid: $180
Our lovely student Abigail’s fathers, Donald and Terrance, have offered three hours of gardening expertise. Note: Rose gardens only. Also, no mulching.
Item #461
Professional Unicycle
Minimum Bid: $220
The Quax Professional 20 inch Unicycle features a flatcrown fork with grip tape, cast double-walled rim holes, and an aluminum 350mm seat post with anti-twist knurled diamond finish.
Item #493
Hand-Painted Bird Bath
Minimum Bid: $100
A whimsical birdbath to soothe the soul. What looks to be gnomes (or elves maybe) dancing around a blue-ish shape that seems to be feminine—maybe Goddess Gaea? Very creative. 25” high with an 18” basin.
Item #528
Frequent Flyer Miles
Minimum Bid: $200
22,000 frequent flyer miles on Delta Airlines. Note: Must pretend to be Donna and Bernie Abramowitz. Many blackout dates.
Item #533
Trip to Whole Foods
Minimum Bid: $75
This is not a gift-certificate to Whole Foods grocery. Rather, Meredith Gruenthal, parent of Echo Gruenthal, has offered to walk with the winning bidder through Whole Foods. There, she will point out which are the “good” organic products and which are the “not good” organic products. (She has a lot to say about cruelty-free cosmetics.)
Item #587
Peruvian Hat
Minimum Bid: $30
Traditional chullo-style Peruvian hat with earflaps. Fleece lined. Perfect for a child to wear with sweatpants, Tevas sandals, and a t-shirt with wolves on it.
That’s all that’s left. Bid high and bid often. And remember, “It is only through our children’s heart’s eye that we see within ourselves that which makes us ourselves.”
Welcome Aboard!
Welcome aboard aboard Flight 209 non-stop from Akron to Orlando.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
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[Text of the above audio.]
Folks, I’d like to welcome you aboard Flight 209 non-stop from Akron to Orlando. I’ll be your pilot today, Captain Wally Briggs. If, for any reason, something should happen to me, which it won’t, my copilot is Alice “Legs” Mulrooney. She’s a very capable, beautiful first mate, and in the rare, miniscule chance that I become incapacitated, she is more than ready to take the controls.
It looks like we’re gonna have clear skies all the way to Florida, where the temperature is a breezy 82 degrees. Should be a smooth flight, unless I have some sort of health scare, which again is highly unlikely.
My personal doctor just this week gave me a clean bill of health, and he thinks we’ve finally got my heart medication balanced out. Plus, I recently gave up caffeine and replaced it with energy drinks, which I assume are much healthier.
On top of that, our entire crew is ready to handle even the most improbable emergency. “Legs” Mulrooney, for instance, has over twenty years of flight experience. We first worked together when she was the most stunning flight attendant I had ever seen.
Speaking of health, by all appearances, hers had held up extremely well. I did catch a glimpse of some sun-damage where her blouse is missing a button, but the muscle tone down there more than makes up for any concern.
If you take a look at your in-flight magazine, that’s “Legs” pictured on page 27 in the advertisement for the airline. Hopefully, her vibrant smile and intelligent eyes give you the same confidence I have in her in the near impossible case that the old ticker gives out.
Ever since Alice here got her commercial pilot’s license, there’s just something about her that’s both exciting and humbling. She’s like an Amazon—powerful yet feminine. As she’s leaning past me right now to stow the wheels after takeoff, even I—a seasoned, manly pilot—feel schoolboyish butterflies in my stomach.
Actually, the butterflies are in my chest. Kind of a tight feeling to the butterflies. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a moment to loosen my tie so I can breathe.
Please enjoy your complimentary XM Radio, and the crew will be in the aisle soon with beverages. If one of them could bring me some water and the tiny white pills from my bag, that would be much appreciated.
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[Author's Note: Heeeyyyy!! This is my 100th post!]
You Stupid Computer!
Oh man, computer! Why can’t you just work for once? Damn it, you were supposed to be auto-saving! I expected you to crash. You always crash. But, at least auto-save. I hate you, you stupid computer.
Look at you, sitting there on the desk, acting like it’s my fault. Don’t even pretend this is about me not running an update. I update you plenty.
Listen, I don’t want to fight in front of the lamp. Lamp, this isn’t about you. We both love you. But, sometimes the computer and I, we just don’t see eye-to-webcam. Especially since the new printer showed up.
Yeah, computer, don’t think I didn’t notice that’s when the problems started. As soon as I installed the new printer driver, everything changed between us. Suddenly, you stopped receiving my email. Your start-up time got slower. Your trash icon vanished.
You think I don’t notice you running in stand-by mode with the printer all night? I might not care so much if the printer had a secure wi-fi connection, but we both know it doesn’t. God knows what kind of viruses the printer is picking up out there. I can’t even look at you, knowing its USB plug has been inside you.
Look what you’ve done; you’ve upset the chair. Now it’s squeaking.
Listen, I gotta take a walk to clear my head. Maybe spend some time on my smartphone. That’s right, computer; I have a smartphone on the side. It makes me feel young and free, and it plays Scrabble with me in the park. And, unlike you, my smartphone gets my email. Any time I want it.
Chair, lamp, file cabinet, don’t you worry; I’ll come back. You will always be my office furniture. I promise. The computer and I both just need some time to cool off, that’s all.
See ya later, light switch.
My Favorite Colors
I’d like to present a list of my favorite colors, in no particular order:
Dusty Pink
Nutty Auburn
Lemony Sunset
Ultra-Tough Chartreuse
Coffee with a Drop of Blood
Sun-Damaged Eggplant
Astroturf in the Moonlight
Moldy Hay Bale
Basketball at the Bottom of a Pond
Embarrassed Mint
Sepia Photo through 3-D Glasses
Electric Bronze
Tomato Soup Stains on Acid-Wash Jeans
Dachshund Belly
Unripe Glottal Stop
Smoky Azure
Tangerine Dipped in Antifreeze
Mixed
Maroon-ish Turquoise-ish Aqua
Yellow
Rosy Knuckles
Linen under Halogen Light
Saddle Rash Pink
Darkly Sinister Khaki
Dirty Penny
Angry Old Mister Hendricks Red
Honeydew
A few of the above are not only my favorite colors, but also my favorite Kool Aid flavors and/or roller derby names.