Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

The Rapture

Posted on May 17, 2011


Hey, guys, it looks like another Apocalypse is coming up this Saturday. I know some people are a little suspicious of this May 21st deadline for the Rapture, but I for one am beginning to think this might be The Big One, and I'll tell you why:

First off, yesterday I saw a guy at Subway mowing down a foot-long tuna sub. And, at the time it sure seemed like a sign of the Apocalypse. I guess you had to be there, but he had this unkempt salt-and-pepper beard and droopy eyes, and he was just tearing into that tuna sandwich. Something about it was so creepy I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

Then, there's that thing a few months ago with the flock of birds falling out of the sky. I know that "science" has multiple "scientific" explanations based on "facts" for that, but still ... Birds. Are. Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs fell from the sky. Did you know that? Even your so-called evolution admits that that’s fucked up.

Also, the milk in my tea this morning formed the shape of a skull. My wife insisted it was a hot air balloon, but it was a grinning skull. Colleen, we both know it was a skull.

Aaaaaand, I recently watched the trailer for Kevin James’ upcoming movie Zookeeper, and it both horrified me and made me feel at peace. I suddenly realized that if there is indeed a just and benevolent God out there, surely he would end the world before we had to suffer through that film’s release.

These many signs (plus the billboards put up by evangelists who have nothing to gain by all this except for money) have convinced me the world will end this Saturday. I’m not sure what time. Noonish? I can get back to you on that.

So, blah blah blah, rapturous horror, words words words ... If you feel the need to make some last-minute charitable donations in order to get into Heaven, I have a Kickstarter campaign you can contribute towards. I’m trying to invent a hoverboard. Anyone who donates over $100 gets to come to the park and watch me use it once it's finished.

Anyhoo, good luck with all this,

P.S. Make sure you drop off your compost at the farmer's market first thing Saturday. Because, if you get taken up to Heaven in a blinding flash, who's gonna hand in your compost? The heathens? Heathens don't compost. HEATHENS DON'T COMPOST!!


The Apocalypse

Posted on March 2, 2011


Oh no, it's the Apocalypse already? But, I have so much stuff left on my to-do list!

Shoot! I thought I had more time before the End of Days. Are you kidding? It really snuck up on me. I guess I should have listened to that Bible-thumping Chinese lady on the train. I thought she was talking in metaphors. In metaphors!

Now what am I supposed to do? Do I just rush through writing the ending of my novel and try sending it off to a publisher? They're probably pretty busy clinging to their loved ones and making peace with their god. And, I doubt UPS is on schedule, what with the rivers of fire. Also, I’ve still got no idea how to tie up the bank robbery plot. You can’t rush these things.

I’ll have to put my novel in the "B" priority list. For now.

What has first priority now is … shit, I was never good at this. Should I clean out the fridge before it’s consumed into a chasm of nothingness? It seems like maybe that’d be a waste. On the other hand, I haven’t cleaned it since I moved in …

Ah man! And I totally intended to take that wicker furniture weaving class this summer! I swear I was gonna see it through this time. I’d put it off forever, but now I'd even looked up classes on their website. But, sheesh, now that Armageddon is here, I might never weave my own rattan ottoman.

What have I been doing this whole time leading up to the end of the world? I mean, yes, I made up a to-do list. That was good for me. Normally, I don’t even get that far. But, then we hooked up the Wii, and I bought that book about treehouses … I just thought I’d have more time before the angels of destruction descended upon the lands bearing swords of pestilence and famine.

Stuff like this always pops up when you don’t expect it. There's a lesson about procrastination in here somewhere.

Well, I guess I’ll just bite the bullet and start in on these taxes. Normally, I’d wait until April, but if I don’t do ‘em now, they’ll never get done.