Beard Growing Tips
People often ask me how I grew such a lustrous, manly beard. It's probably the number one question I get after, "Are those your eyes, or did God open two windows to Heaven?"
Well, I'm here to tell you there are no secret tips to growing a perfect beard. Here are a few secret tips to grow a perfect beard:
- If you can, try to be born with a Y chromosome.
- At age 4, on an annual camping trip, wrestle a bear to the ground, saving your family from certain death. (I'm not sure if this is a hard-and-fast requirement. I'm simply writing what I know.)
- As a teenager, encourage your testosterone output with a daily regimen of manual testicle emptying. (Again, just writing what I know.)
- Your first three beards--much like your first three screenplays--are going to be absolute shit. Don't get discouraged.
- Regarding stubble, three words: exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. I can't stress exfoliation enough. Be careful not to over-exfoliate.
- Examine your deeper motivation for growing a beard. A beard grown out of weakness or deceit will carry that negative energy with it forever.
- At day ten, a new beard will curl in and itch like crazy. Like goddamnit-to-fucking-hell crazy. To get past this, check your phonebook for local beard growing support groups.
- If you do have to itch your beard, always itch across the grain. Never against.
- If your wife or girlfriend questions your wisdom in growing a beard, ask yourself what else she's holding you back from achieving.
- A daily beard conditioner can help with texture and body. I get mine shipped from an 80-year-old artisanal beardist in New Zealand. But, you can buy over-the-counter beard conditioner at any of the more reputable beard salons in your city.
- If you need to look at a picture of me for motivation, that's understandable. But, please, no creepy shrines.
- For whatever reason, beards grown during hunting trips tend to come in fuller than those grown on fishing trips.
- At some point, you'll have to define the edges of your beard. [*This post is aimed only at full-beard growers. I consider goatee or mustache growers simply hobbyists.] I suggest creating a simple, clean border along your neck from one corner of your jaw to the other. Do not over-stylize your beard. No one can pull that off a chin-strap beard, unless he is a Persian prince.
- If your beard is red or blonde, do not enter any pie eating contests. You risk permanent berry stains.
- Visualize your future self with a powerful, Viking-like beard. Try this: You're walking down the street. You see a man in a shop window. His thick, wavy beard broadcasts a sense of wisdom and sexual prowess. He stands tall and holds his head high. Look closer. That man in the shop window is a reflection. That man is you.
- Finally, this one might be obvious, but mother of pearl beard combs only.
That's it for beard growing tips. Next week we'll move on to tips for a rakish smile and penetrating gaze.
