Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Steamboat Piloting

Posted on May 31, 2010


Piloting a riverboat is not to be taken lightly. You’ve got surface currents, undercurrents, rocks, submerged branches, and don’t forget about the other boats. I’m just saying, if you insist on dropping out of college to be a riverboat captain, at least have a fallback option.

Your mother and I worry. That’s just how it is. That’s how it’s always gonna be. We love you, and we want what’s best for you. And, if you truly believe that means taking the helm of an old-timey steamboat and heading down the Mighty Mississippi, than we will support your decision. But, until then, maybe you can take an accounting class and see if you like that, too.

I understand where you are coming from with the steamboat thing. When I was your age, I wanted to start a rock and roll band. Instead, I stayed in school, and I practiced guitar on the weekends in the garage. Now, I’m a successful actuary, and you know what? Without my career in life insurance, I could never have bought that Fender Telecaster in the den. I’m just saying, maybe you want to keep the thing that you love a hobby.

Because, once you get out there in the real world of riverboat piloting, it becomes a job just like anything else. I mean, sure, there’s the prestige and the glamour of it, but it’s still hard work. A daily grind even. I’ve seen you behind the helm of a steamer; I’ve seen the gleam in your eyes. Honestly, I don’t want you to lose the fantasy of it. I worry that it won’t live up to the dream.

So, how ‘bout we say this? How about you finish up this semester? Then, this summer, we go out and find you an antebellum steamboat--something small at first, not a full casino on board, just a few poker tables. We’ll see how that goes before we make a final decision about school.

And, you can start growing out your handlebar moustache now. That’s how serious I am about giving this idea a try. Don’t worry about your mother; I’ll get her onboard.


Dream Interpretations

Posted on May 4, 2010


Here’s a quick guide to interpreting your dreams. Remember, every person is different. But, in general, the following dreams suggest common thoughts or fears from your waking life.

You are late for a test. This dream usually means that you are feeling under-confident about an upcoming task at work. Or, maybe you feel harshly judged in your social interactions.

You dream your teeth are falling out/breaking. This dream suggests fear of mortality and aging. It may also refer to worries of loss of beauty.

You dream you can fly. This means that you actually can fly if you believe hard enough. Don’t jump off a building or anything, but you can probably fly. Try easing into it by belly flopping into a pool, but at the last second don’t land.

You realize you’re naked during a presentation. This dream means you are allergic to something. Maybe your cat. Or strawberries. It could also mean that you regret buying a DVD player recently now that Blu-rays are coming down in price.

You dream you’re being chased by a stranger. This one means you’re a racist. What, just because he’s wearing a hoodie, you automatically assume he’s black? Have you ever stopped and turned around in this dream? Maybe this guy’s running to catch the train. Racist.

You dream you’re falling. Again, you can fly. This dream’s about how you’re lame for never having tried the belly flop thing.

You dream you’re a movie star. This one means a movie star accidently got his or her dream mixed up with yours. So, somewhere in Hollywood, some millionaire is wondering why he’s dreaming about his cranky boss at the bank.

Your house/apartment is flooding. This is means that you are currently peeing the bed. Wake up, you drunk! You’re peeing the bed!

You dream you can’t find your shoes. You are in love with your dental hygienist.

You dream you are having sex with multiple partners. I’m not sure. This one could mean a lot of things. Please, describe it in greater detail, and be as graphic as possible, because this helps me interpret your dream.

You dream you saw me sneak money out of your wallet when you left the table. Ignore this one. This one’s just a dream.

You dream your company picnic has been infiltrated by Russian spies, and they’re trying to steal the Frisbee, because it has microfiche taped to it with the secrets to the Lost series finale. But, you can’t figure out which people are spies, because everyone is dressed up as teddy bears, because you work at a teddy bear costume factory. This dream means that leftover taco from the back of your fridge was, indeed, spoiled.

You dream you win the lottery. Yeah, keep dreamin’, Buddy.