Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Hawaiian Words

Posted on January 17, 2011


A lot of people know that the Hawaiian word "aloha" has two meanings. But, did you know that every word in Hawaiian has two, sometimes contradictory meanings? Here's a helpful starter list of Hawaiian words:

Aloha - means both "hello" and "goodbye."

Mahalo - means both "thank you" and "tomorrow's the day I start my low carb diet."

Ohana - means both "family" and "the act of looking at a Q-tip after you use it."

Hale - means both "house" and "a random, desperate question meant to steer the conversation away from listening to the other person complain about work."

Mana - means both "spiritual power" and "finding that a dollar bill has gone through the wash and now looks like the fetus version of a dollar bill."

Hula - means both "a dance" and "a light switch that doesn't seem to be connected to a light. Maybe one of the outlets behind the couch used to be for a side table lamp? Am I supposed to try every outlet and then turn this switch on and off? It's not worth it."

Pupu - means both “appetizers” and “holding back a culturally offensive snicker.”

Keiki - means both "a child" and "the ways local newscasters smile in promotional pictures that makes them look dead inside."

Lanai - means both “a patio or balcony” and “the jealousy non-smokers feel towards smokers who are allowed smoke breaks.”

Ono – means both “tasty” and “a large type of mackerel.” It can also mean “the act of getting your groove back.”

Kai - means both “the sea” and “the rise in e-book sales compared to traditional paperbound book sales.”

Mauka - means both “toward the mountains” and “a person wearing multiple pieces of Burberry plaid, which still happens even though that was a trend from what, seven years ago? Eight?”

Wahini - means “a woman” and “tea which is neither hot tea nor iced tea but somewhere in between. Tea which is lost and unsure of itself. Tea which has no place to call its own in our society.”

Haole - means both “a Caucasian person” and “someone who makes you roll your eyes.”


Pulling An Andy

Posted on November 16, 2010

Alright, guys, can we maybe think up a new meaning for the phrase "to pull an Andy?" Maybe something more positive?

I know "pulling an Andy" has a lot of meanings already. Like sometimes people say it to mean "I forgot to plug my headphones into my work computer, and I don't notice that everyone can hear me listening to Gwen Stefani."

Or, sometimes "pulling an Andy" means "getting drunk off two drinks and crashing my bicycle into a thorny rose bush and then screaming 'cause I think cats are attacking me."

Or, it could imply "getting so flustered by the unregulated, unkempt line at the movie theater that I throw a hissy fit and end up ruining the entire experience of going to see the newest Pixar movie."

It's a phrase that can mean many, many things. But, for whatever reason it usually means something embarrassing or off-putting. Why do you think that is? Weird coincidence, huh?

I was thinking "to pull an Andy" could start meaning "to say just the right cutting remark at exactly to right moment to somehow changes a racist's perception of their own racism."

Or, maybe "pulling an Andy" could mean "having a luxurious, Nordic god-like beard that gets you discovered as a high-end beard model and then getting flown all around Europe to model your beard."

This is just me spit-balling some ideas. I'm totally open to whatever you guys think "pulling an Andy" could mean. As long as it's not "burning the roof of your mouth on hot pizza and then sneezing out the pizza so that huge chunks of cheese fly onto your date's face and scarf."

I'd prefer it not mean that any longer.

So, yeah, whatever you guys come up with is fine. Just pass it by me before locking it down. I'm thinking something more "heroic/noble" and less "spazzy/bodily-functiony."

Thanks a bunch.


My Art’s Meaning

Posted on August 11, 2010

Don’t get me wrong—I love being an artist. I love making art. I just wish I had more control over how it’s received. No one seems to understand my art’s deeper, disgusting meaning.

Everybody refers to my paintings as “pretty.” They like the bright colors. They enjoy the soft lines. Can’t they break through the façade to grasp my work’s off-putting and disturbing subtext?

Take for instance this piece titled “Dragonfly Picnic.” Yes, all the insects look chipper in their top hats and parasols. But, do you notice anything about the shapes of the lily pads? How about the look of fear in the ladybug’s eyes? There's clearly a relationship between the dragonflies and the willow tree that frightens the ladybugs. Did none of you study WWI Balkan History? If you did, you’d cringe at my scandalous take on “dragonfly/ladybug” relations.

Or, the piece called “Turtles First Bicycle.” People look at a turtle riding a Victorian-era velocipede and take it at face value. I’ve never once had someone come up to me to talk about the horrifying sexual symbolism, let alone my comments on the class structure of contemporary South Africa. I don’t get it; it’s all right there in plain sight.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell people my art’s deeper, icky meaning. But, that’s not what art is. Art is about the back-and-forth. It’s about an artist challenging the viewer to grapple with inferences and implications.

Yet, somehow, none of the families at this library art fair seem interested in being challenged. One woman bought my piece “Bunny Finds Its Pencil”, saying it matched the green in her daughter’s nursery. I must assume she failed to notice the allusion to the deep psychosocial scars left behind amongst a landmine-ravage Pacific Ring. Nor, did she realize by extension our culture's fetishizing of commercial products made by— Oops, I almost gave to much away.

I don't know. Maybe she did get all that, and she just wants to expose her child to complex, disquieting concepts at an early age. Some people are weird like that.


Dream Interpretations

Posted on May 4, 2010


Here’s a quick guide to interpreting your dreams. Remember, every person is different. But, in general, the following dreams suggest common thoughts or fears from your waking life.

You are late for a test. This dream usually means that you are feeling under-confident about an upcoming task at work. Or, maybe you feel harshly judged in your social interactions.

You dream your teeth are falling out/breaking. This dream suggests fear of mortality and aging. It may also refer to worries of loss of beauty.

You dream you can fly. This means that you actually can fly if you believe hard enough. Don’t jump off a building or anything, but you can probably fly. Try easing into it by belly flopping into a pool, but at the last second don’t land.

You realize you’re naked during a presentation. This dream means you are allergic to something. Maybe your cat. Or strawberries. It could also mean that you regret buying a DVD player recently now that Blu-rays are coming down in price.

You dream you’re being chased by a stranger. This one means you’re a racist. What, just because he’s wearing a hoodie, you automatically assume he’s black? Have you ever stopped and turned around in this dream? Maybe this guy’s running to catch the train. Racist.

You dream you’re falling. Again, you can fly. This dream’s about how you’re lame for never having tried the belly flop thing.

You dream you’re a movie star. This one means a movie star accidently got his or her dream mixed up with yours. So, somewhere in Hollywood, some millionaire is wondering why he’s dreaming about his cranky boss at the bank.

Your house/apartment is flooding. This is means that you are currently peeing the bed. Wake up, you drunk! You’re peeing the bed!

You dream you can’t find your shoes. You are in love with your dental hygienist.

You dream you are having sex with multiple partners. I’m not sure. This one could mean a lot of things. Please, describe it in greater detail, and be as graphic as possible, because this helps me interpret your dream.

You dream you saw me sneak money out of your wallet when you left the table. Ignore this one. This one’s just a dream.

You dream your company picnic has been infiltrated by Russian spies, and they’re trying to steal the Frisbee, because it has microfiche taped to it with the secrets to the Lost series finale. But, you can’t figure out which people are spies, because everyone is dressed up as teddy bears, because you work at a teddy bear costume factory. This dream means that leftover taco from the back of your fridge was, indeed, spoiled.

You dream you win the lottery. Yeah, keep dreamin’, Buddy.