Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

My Twin’s Pain

Posted on April 6, 2010

Ever since we were little, my twin brother Frank and I could always sense what the other one was feeling. No matter how far away we were from each other. People think it’s weird, but it’s just how we are.

Like, right now, I can tell that Frank feels like eating a hotdog. It’s just this sensation I have in my stomach. I bet if we called him up right now, he’d admit he’s been craving a hotdog. I sure hope he doesn’t have one, because whenever Frank eats hotdogs, it gives us both terrible indigestion.

Once, Frank broke his leg. He was in Australia at the time, and I was in San Diego. So, the moment he broke his leg I was on the other side of the world, and … I didn’t feel a thing. Maybe he was too far away. Or, maybe it was because I was on a week-long bender. I was blackout drunk for 10 days straight after Michelle left me. Frank says I got so drunk that he was having a hard time driving in Australia. That’s how he broke his leg.

Anyway, the day he got the cast off felt great for me.

Frank and Michelle started dating right after that. I guess it makes sense, because Michelle is attracted to guys who look like Frank. It was really rough for me re-experiencing all those first tinglings of love with Michelle. Because, they were Frank’s tinglings, and getting them secondhand sucked. I got pretty depressed. So, Frank got pretty depressed too. Michelle helped him (and me by extension) get through it. That bitch.

I spent their entire wedding night slamming my testicles against a sawhorse in my garage. I’d stand up on it, sort of freefall into a straddle position, and then pass out a bit. It was the worst night of my life. Franks’ too. He spent his entire Cancun honeymoon with an icepack on his crotch. My doctor says I can never ride a bike again, but at the time, I thought it was worth it.

Frank and I haven’t talked much since the testicles thing. He knows I feel bad about it. I can feel that he feels that I feel bad about it.

On our most recent birthday, I ate a piece of his favorite chocolate cake as a sort of apology. I hope he enjoyed it. And, I hope he knows that I forgive him for stealing away that only woman that I will ever love. Ever. My one true love Michelle.

Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the stomach now.