Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Your Doppelganger

Posted on December 8, 2010

Hey, I think just saw your more successful doppelgänger on the train. He looked exactly like you, except he was wealthier and more self-assured. But, other than that, exactly the same.

He had your nose. And eyebrows. He had the same curly, black hair as you. Although, he clearly goes to a better barber than you. Certainly, he goes more often.

His jaw was exactly the same as yours. Except your doppelgänger's jaw seemed stronger and more assuredly set--like whatever decision he makes, he sticks to it. He certainly didn't hold his jaw in a way that made you want to push him down and yell at him.

He had a navy coat on, just like your navy coat. Well, just like the coat you used to have before you forgot it at a bar. Also, his didn't have any stains on it. Also, his posture made it hang better on him. Also, you could tell he bought it somewhere besides Salvation Army.

Even his laugh was the same as yours. That's how I noticed him. I thought it was you, until I saw he was holding an iPad. I was gonna walk up and ask if you had an iPad-owning relative die, until I saw he was reading the Wall Street Journal on it. That's when I knew he couldn't have been you. Thank god I didn't embarrass myself by approaching him. Can you imagine me trying to explain what a goof you are?

Did I mention he looked exactly like you if you had made better decisions in life? Exactly.

I mean, minus the obvious success, he could have been your twin. No wait, that's wrong. One twin can be successful and the other a failure. Let me rephrase. He could have been the twin your parents were secretly more proud of.

Maybe one day you'll meet your doppelgänger on the street, and he can give you advice. I would think it'd be inspiring to meet someone who looks and talks just like you yet has somehow thrived in the world.

I guess maybe it could be super depressing too, now that I think about it. I mean, all those paths you didn't choose ... This guys chose the correct one. Maybe there were a lot of correct paths you failed to choose.

Gosh, I wonder if it's too late for you to be as successful as your doppelgänger. You know who might know? You're doppelgänger. He seemed like the kind of guy with answers.


My Twin’s Pain

Posted on April 6, 2010

Ever since we were little, my twin brother Frank and I could always sense what the other one was feeling. No matter how far away we were from each other. People think it’s weird, but it’s just how we are.

Like, right now, I can tell that Frank feels like eating a hotdog. It’s just this sensation I have in my stomach. I bet if we called him up right now, he’d admit he’s been craving a hotdog. I sure hope he doesn’t have one, because whenever Frank eats hotdogs, it gives us both terrible indigestion.

Once, Frank broke his leg. He was in Australia at the time, and I was in San Diego. So, the moment he broke his leg I was on the other side of the world, and … I didn’t feel a thing. Maybe he was too far away. Or, maybe it was because I was on a week-long bender. I was blackout drunk for 10 days straight after Michelle left me. Frank says I got so drunk that he was having a hard time driving in Australia. That’s how he broke his leg.

Anyway, the day he got the cast off felt great for me.

Frank and Michelle started dating right after that. I guess it makes sense, because Michelle is attracted to guys who look like Frank. It was really rough for me re-experiencing all those first tinglings of love with Michelle. Because, they were Frank’s tinglings, and getting them secondhand sucked. I got pretty depressed. So, Frank got pretty depressed too. Michelle helped him (and me by extension) get through it. That bitch.

I spent their entire wedding night slamming my testicles against a sawhorse in my garage. I’d stand up on it, sort of freefall into a straddle position, and then pass out a bit. It was the worst night of my life. Franks’ too. He spent his entire Cancun honeymoon with an icepack on his crotch. My doctor says I can never ride a bike again, but at the time, I thought it was worth it.

Frank and I haven’t talked much since the testicles thing. He knows I feel bad about it. I can feel that he feels that I feel bad about it.

On our most recent birthday, I ate a piece of his favorite chocolate cake as a sort of apology. I hope he enjoyed it. And, I hope he knows that I forgive him for stealing away that only woman that I will ever love. Ever. My one true love Michelle.

Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the stomach now.