Tips to Avoid the Flu
Influenza season will soon be here. I can tell, because pharmacy ads have turned sinister. How can you avoid becoming a vomiting snot-zombie this winter? By following these helpful tips:
- Wash your hands often with soap. Chinchilla-style dust baths don't count.
- Drink plenty of water or water-like branded sports drinks.
- Avoid shaking hands. Instead, try Eskimo kisses.
- Wear a medical face mask or, if you can afford it, a full Hazmat suit at all times.
- Ask yourself, "What Would Howard Hughes Do?"
- Stay away from crowded places, like your mom's bedroom. BURN!
- Maybe taste isn't the best way to identify mystery liquids on the subway.
- If you see someone who looks sick, hold your breath and cross your fingers as you pass by.
- Boil your nose every night before bed.
- Avoid little germ-incubating toddlers. Including your own.
- Make a voodoo doll of yourself and submerge it in orange juice.
- Get eight to eighteen hours of sleep per night.
- Use antibiotic cleaners. They won't do anything about the flu, but they will create a super resistant strain of staphylococcus, which will help curb overpopulation.
- If you see a suspicious germ, alert a police officer or call 311.
- Have you ever tried a neti pot? Oh my god, it's like an orgasm in your nose.
- Speaking of which, there's this crazy Internet video I'll show you next time you come over to my apartment.
- Laughter is the best fake medicine. Even better than chiropracty.
- Stop being such a pussy, and just get the vaccination shot already.
