Wendy’s Spokesman
Five reasons why I should be the spokesman for the Wendy's fast food chain:
1) I FUCKING LOVE WENDY'S!!! Oh my god, sometimes I catch myself just thinking about a Number Seven with a Frosty™. Just staring off into space and smiling to myself about it. I'm smiling right now.
2) I'm super honest. I'll admit freely that sometimes Wendy's can be disgusting. Like, twice we've accidentally stopped at the same Wendy's off the Interstate in eastern Pennsylvania, and both times the fries were raw. And, the burgers had a funny, metallic flavor. Plus, all of the employees looked like R. Crumb had a nightmare about adult onset acne.
See? Honesty. I think the public would appreciate that and put their trust in me when I say that many other Wendy's franchises do not smell like dirty mop heads.
3) Have I mentioned my rakish smile and amazing dancing abilities? I'm sure we can work those into ad campaigns.
4) My wife only lets me eat Wendy's on road trips, because it's so unhealthy. (Honesty!) So, I'll probably never get sick of eating it, even as its spokesman.
5) Unlike Jared Fogle, I've never been caught up in a salacious, autoerotic asphyxiation manslaughter trial and ensuing media frenzy. Always use a safe word, folks. Always use a safe word.
The Olive Diet
The Olive DietTM is a simple, scientific diet plan devised to help you shed pounds quickly and easily. I’ve spent years formulating a foolproof weight loss system without calorie counting or awkward exercise equipment. It’s all based around one simple idea: Olives are disgusting.
That’s it! It couldn’t be easier!
With the Olive DietTM, you put olives on everything—pizza, tuna salad, appetizer plates. You’ll never again eat too much, because olives are super gross. Oversize portions are a thing of the past. Going back for seconds? Never. Just two bites into any meal involving olives, and your gag reflex will keep an eye on your waistline.
Black olives, green olives, kalamata, picholine, dry-cured, brine-cured—they’re all equally repulsive. Ugh, just talking about it is making my stomach upset. Hopefully yours too. That’s the secret to keeping portions small and meals sensible.
Feeling hungry for a sandwich? Try this simple recipe: Aged prosciutto, smoked ham, arugula, and Dijon mustard on crispy French bread. Sounds pretty tasty. Now add olives. Revolting! Inedible even. A nibble is all you’ll be able to hold down.
With the Olive DietTM, you can eat anything, as long as you put olives on top. Lasagna, dips, fish, pasta, salad, burritos, French toast, pudding, grilled cheese, cake, tomato soup, tiramisu—literally any dish can be ruined with the addition of olives. Olives are Nature’s appetite suppressant.
I guarantee you’ll lose inches around your tummy within weeks. You’ll never again experience the guilt and sluggishness from overdoing it at the dinner table. In fact, you’ll start feeling nauseous just thinking about the dinner table. I do.
How did I come up with this diet plan? Through years of experimentation. I discovered at a very young age that olives were yucky, and I’ve built an entire theory of nutrition around that idea. The Olive DietTM has literally been decades in the making.
“But, what happens when I get desensitized to olives and start ignoring their sickening, vile flavor?” you might ask. Well, first, I seriously doubt that’s going to happen. But, if it does, the Olive DietTM has a fallback plan: Capers.
Capers are kind of like if olives pooped out tiny, disgusting rabbit turds on your plate. Even looking at capers will help you avoid eating normally delicious foods.
If—through some sort of reverse miracle—capers don’t keep you from eating, you can move on to sun-dried tomatoes or, as a last resort, cooked green peppers. The Olive DietTM is about so much more than simply olives; it’s about any disgusting food that can ruin a meal and curb your appetite.
For more information about the Olive DietTM and its amazing results, send a check or money order to Olive Diet Industries for my handy educational booklet, Olives: Blech. Or, go online to order my instructional DVD, The Olive Diet: Whaaa? Gross!
Order yours today!
Don’s Discount Sushi Shack
Welcome to Don’s Discount Sushi Shack! We bring you the fresh-ish sushi at the lowest prices! Guaranteed, or my name isn’t Don the Sushi Kong Deity. (Awkward translation, I know.)
At Don’s Discount Sushi Shack, you’ll find great savings on sushi, sashimi, tempura, teriyaki, waffles, hot dogs, maki rolls, turkey chili and more. Anything you want, we serve it. Raw. If you don’t see what you’d like on our 14-page menu, we’d be happy to whip it up special.
Terrific example: Last week, a gentleman walked in and ordered a reuben sandwich. Most sushi restaurants would have turned him away. “Oh, we don’t serve delicious reuben sandwiches,” they’d say. Well, Old Don here had his chef Keisuke go out and get some corned beef, some sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, and Russian dressing and roll it all up in rice and seaward. Pop a little salmon roe on top. Blammo, instant reuben roll!
You like edamame? We’ve got so much edamame we have to store it in the basement behind the water heater. You like tuna? Our tuna is so big, it’s technically not even tuna anymore. But, you bet your blowhole it’s mighty tasty.
At Don’s, the only thing we love more than fish and fish-like substitutes is value. That’s why we bring you amazing weekly deals like: Buy one tentacle, get six free! Half price eel when the fridge breaks down! And, if your child finds a band aid in her food, she gets all-you-can-eat chicken fingers!* (*Sometimes called duck feet.)
How do we keep prices so low? Volume and ingenuity. Most sushi places jack up their prices by buying softshell crab with its shell already soft. We found a way to soften that shell on our own using ordinary household cleaners. That’s thinking outside the bento box!
Don’t forget dessert! Candied clam, dried sea urchin in mayonnaise, frozen yogurt. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Grandma Satsuki’s Live Chocolate Lobster. Watch out for those snapping claws--they’re delicious!
Critics are calling Don’s Discount Sushi “Probably the…sushi ever…put…” and “Unbelievably…” But, you don’t have to take their word for it. In fact, please don’t. Come on down and see for yourself.
I promise, this will be one sushi dinner you will never forget. Never.
Don’s Discount Sushi Shack. Located kitty-corner from the gravel lot, behind long-term parking at the freight airport on Hwy 12. Just follow the smell!
Your Last Meal
Alright, Billy. It looks like the governor’s not giving you that pardon. So, it’s time to think about your last meal. What would you like before you go to the chair?
Steak and a milkshake? Really? No no, it’s nothing. Order whatever you want. I just figure you can get anything in the world for your last meal. Steak and a milkshake is fine, I guess. Kind of boring, though.
No, whatever you’d like to eat. Steak and a shake it is. Absolutely.
Unless... Have you ever tried oysters? What! You’re kidding me! You’ve never eaten oysters? Oh my god, you have to try oysters. Everybody needs to eat oysters at least once before they—
Anyway, you’ve got to try oysters. A nice steak and oysters—that’s a classy last meal. A milkshake wouldn’t be too good with oysters, though. Maybe rethink the milkshake. How about a Bloody Mary?
Shut up, you’ve never had a Bloody Mary, either? Billy, you have to get a Bloody Mary. There’s nothing better with oysters than a Bloody Mary. Oh man, the celery salt and the Worcestershire—it’s so good. Trust me, you’re gonna love Bloody Marys. They’re going to be your new favorite thing.
So it’s steak, oysters, and a Bloody Mary for your last meal. What kind of steak would you like? Ehhh, filet mignon is not really the best steak. I mean, I know it’s got the name recognition, but it doesn’t have the flavor profile to stand up to oysters. You know what’s good with oysters is lamb.
Yeah, sure, I guess lamb can be a little fatty for some people without refined palettes. Fine, you don’t want lamb? I got it. I know what’d be great instead of steak. Rabbit. I really feel you should try rabbit. It’s not to everyone’s taste, but totally worth the gamble. Maybe braised with capers and a hint of cilantro?
And, on the side, some fine cheeses. Like stinky feet cheese. Some people go their whole lives without eating stinky cheese. It takes awhile to get used to, but there’s a big payoff. Plus, it goes terrific with the fishiness of oysters.
Billy, I truly think you’ll love this last meal. I bet before you came to prison, you only ever ate McDonalds and boxed macaroni. Am I right? I thought so. This last meal is going to blow your mind. Seriously, you’re gonna see what you’ve been missing this whole time.
Alright, well, the nurse is coming in to shave your head for the electrodes. And, the priest should be here later for last rites. In the meantime, I am going to go place this food order for you.
For dessert, I hope you like surprises! I’ll give you a hint: molecular gastronomy. That’s all I’m gonna say.