Tips to Avoid the Flu
Influenza season will soon be here. I can tell, because pharmacy ads have turned sinister. How can you avoid becoming a vomiting snot-zombie this winter? By following these helpful tips:
- Wash your hands often with soap. Chinchilla-style dust baths don't count.
- Drink plenty of water or water-like branded sports drinks.
- Avoid shaking hands. Instead, try Eskimo kisses.
- Wear a medical face mask or, if you can afford it, a full Hazmat suit at all times.
- Ask yourself, "What Would Howard Hughes Do?"
- Stay away from crowded places, like your mom's bedroom. BURN!
- Maybe taste isn't the best way to identify mystery liquids on the subway.
- If you see someone who looks sick, hold your breath and cross your fingers as you pass by.
- Boil your nose every night before bed.
- Avoid little germ-incubating toddlers. Including your own.
- Make a voodoo doll of yourself and submerge it in orange juice.
- Get eight to eighteen hours of sleep per night.
- Use antibiotic cleaners. They won't do anything about the flu, but they will create a super resistant strain of staphylococcus, which will help curb overpopulation.
- If you see a suspicious germ, alert a police officer or call 311.
- Have you ever tried a neti pot? Oh my god, it's like an orgasm in your nose.
- Speaking of which, there's this crazy Internet video I'll show you next time you come over to my apartment.
- Laughter is the best fake medicine. Even better than chiropracty.
- Stop being such a pussy, and just get the vaccination shot already.
Welcome Aboard!
Welcome aboard aboard Flight 209 non-stop from Akron to Orlando.
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
.
[Text of the above audio.]
Folks, I’d like to welcome you aboard Flight 209 non-stop from Akron to Orlando. I’ll be your pilot today, Captain Wally Briggs. If, for any reason, something should happen to me, which it won’t, my copilot is Alice “Legs” Mulrooney. She’s a very capable, beautiful first mate, and in the rare, miniscule chance that I become incapacitated, she is more than ready to take the controls.
It looks like we’re gonna have clear skies all the way to Florida, where the temperature is a breezy 82 degrees. Should be a smooth flight, unless I have some sort of health scare, which again is highly unlikely.
My personal doctor just this week gave me a clean bill of health, and he thinks we’ve finally got my heart medication balanced out. Plus, I recently gave up caffeine and replaced it with energy drinks, which I assume are much healthier.
On top of that, our entire crew is ready to handle even the most improbable emergency. “Legs” Mulrooney, for instance, has over twenty years of flight experience. We first worked together when she was the most stunning flight attendant I had ever seen.
Speaking of health, by all appearances, hers had held up extremely well. I did catch a glimpse of some sun-damage where her blouse is missing a button, but the muscle tone down there more than makes up for any concern.
If you take a look at your in-flight magazine, that’s “Legs” pictured on page 27 in the advertisement for the airline. Hopefully, her vibrant smile and intelligent eyes give you the same confidence I have in her in the near impossible case that the old ticker gives out.
Ever since Alice here got her commercial pilot’s license, there’s just something about her that’s both exciting and humbling. She’s like an Amazon—powerful yet feminine. As she’s leaning past me right now to stow the wheels after takeoff, even I—a seasoned, manly pilot—feel schoolboyish butterflies in my stomach.
Actually, the butterflies are in my chest. Kind of a tight feeling to the butterflies. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a moment to loosen my tie so I can breathe.
Please enjoy your complimentary XM Radio, and the crew will be in the aisle soon with beverages. If one of them could bring me some water and the tiny white pills from my bag, that would be much appreciated.
.
[Author's Note: Heeeyyyy!! This is my 100th post!]