Tips to Beat the Heat
Here are a few tips for keeping cool in this summer’s stupid hot heat:
- Place a cold compress on the back of your neck.
- Find a shady area.
- Avoid strenuous activities, like triathlons or World’s Strongest Man competitions.
- Drink plenty of water. Remember: Gatorade is only for teenage boys and hillbillies.
- Light colors reflect the sunlight. Paint yourself titanium white.
- Wear a wide-brimmed hat, like that novelty foam cowboy hat I won for you at Six Flags. Remember? I got three 100-point shots at Skeeball! Three in one game!
- Never leave a pet in a parked car. Unless it’s a potentially delicious pet chicken.
- Wear lightweight, loose-fitting clothing despite it being Comic-Con and you having glued all that rad shit to your unitard.
- Avoid drinking alcohol, which actually dehydrates you. Also, you’re a mean drunk.
- Use your trunk to fling cooling mud onto your back.
- Stay inside someplace air-conditioned, even though the only thing playing at 2:30 is The Last Airbender, which everyone says sucks.
- Carry around a parasol and say things like, “My my, I do believe I’ve caught the vapors.”
- Frozen custard five times a day.
- Make friends with someone who owns a boat. Do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.
- My thirteen-year-old nephew wants me to inform you that in New York State, it is legal for ladies to go topless.
- Put your bed sheets in the freezer. Mattress too.
- Check in on elderly neighbors, who are more prone to heat stroke. Maybe you’ll get a Werther’s Original out of it.
- Cut open a polar bear and climb inside.
That’s it for now. Stay cool, guys. Stay cool forever.
