Lost: One Cat, Any Color
Lost: One Cat. Any Color.
Answers to the name “Here Kitty Kitty.” Has a pleasant demeanor and likes children and other cats. Preferably well-fed and not too mangy looking. Long, shiny hair would be nice, but a tabby or whatever would do in a pinch.
If found please take to the vet and pay for proper shots and de-clawing. Also, keep the cat in your house for a little while to make sure it’s not crazy or sick. The cat I lost doesn’t piss everywhere.
Then, call 555-5212 and ask for “Ace.” (Or “Andy” if someone else answers and the nickname hasn’t sunk in yet.) If I’m not around, then nevermind.
Reward: Good Karma
Sunday Comic – Low Key
[Author's note: In college, I drew a daily comic for the Daily Cardinal newspaper. Now, I'm re-drawing and coloring my favorites, and I'll be adding them every Sunday to this blog. Maybe, when I pull enough together, I'll put them in a book. I thought this one would be a good one to start with, because it's the most timely. Also, because I love it.]
Stop Looking at Me!
Hey, weirdo, what are you looking at? I’m serious. What the fuck are you looking at? Stop staring at me. You think just because I’m wearing this chicken costume, I want assholes like you to stare at me? Just take the flyer and move on already.
Yeah, I get it, I’m hilarious--a grown man dressed up as a chicken. Ha ha ha, so funny. Ooh, look at my big chicken feet. Grow up, dude! Everybody has to put food on the table, even if that means doing this shit. Now, get a life and leave me the fuck alone.
Stop looking at me. Seriously, I am about this close to putting your teeth down the back of your throat. You think this is funny? You think I want to hand out these Popeye’s flyers? Stop smiling, asshole. It’s not funny.
I don’t care if you are three years old. Take your fucking teddy bear and get the fuck out of here. Stop giggling. There’s nothing funny about this. No! No, stop hugging me. I’m not Donald Duck. Stop it!
Lady, come over here and get your kid. Lady, please get your toddler to stop hugging me. And, here, this is a this coupon for a medium drink with purchase any three piece dinner.
.
[Author's note: In full disclosure, the ending of this was inspired by the true story of an acquaintance.]
Poor Werewolf God
Can God create a boulder so large that even He cannot lift it? What about the boulder god of the Wichawki tribe in Oregon? Can God lift him? I’ve seen drawings of the boulder god, and he seems pretty tough. Who would win in that fight? I mean, sure, God has a solid right hook and He’s light on His feet, but the boulder god has an amazing left jab, and he knows to work the torso in the first four rounds. I’d still put my money on God god, because I think that’s what Jesus would do.
Can God create a dog so fat that it can’t even lick its own crotch? Trick question. He already did. It lives across the street from me. It’s a beagle named Sandy, and it’s shaped like a beetle or a low coffee table. One time I asked its owner when it was due to have puppies, and she glared at me and wanted to know what kind of monster asks such a question. I told her a werewolf, and then I wolfed-out just a little bit. Y’know, I let my eyes turn yellow and my ears get just a little pointy. She had already turned around and didn’t see me, but Sandy went ape-shit. All dogs, even fat ones, hate werewolves.
Can werewolf god create a silver bullet so fast that even he can’t dodge it? Why would he want to do that? Sometimes I don’t understand werewolf god at all. He’s got everything he could want--immortal deer to chase, perfectly torn jeans, and a really nice bungalow right down the street from God god. I think werewolf god has gotten a little self-destructive since he started hanging out with boulder god. But, I understand that life is tough after your wife leaves you for the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief.
Can God create a creation so creative that even He can’t recreate it? And, if so, describe it to me in detail. Because I want to surprise God for His birthday. What do you get Somebody who can create everything?
Can God create a pinball machine so complex that even the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief, can’t beat it? One time I was in the upper peninsula of Michigan with my parents, and I saw the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief, go to town on a pinball machine. It was at an old-fashioned family resort where the rooms looked like teepees, and the rec room had a pinball machine where the trickster Loki, Norse god of mischief, would hang out. He was so cool. I get jealous of people who seem so naturally at ease with themselves.
Can God create a greeting card so sweet and sincere that even werewolf god’s wife would take him back? He is omnipotent, after all. I think He owes werewolf god one for all the times that werewolf god has taken care of God’s house while God was on vacation. God’s cat is four hundred stories tall, after all. And, even God had a hard time creating a litter box big enough for that cat. I mean, don’t get me wrong, He did it. God can create anything when He puts His mind to it.
Never forget that, God. I’m proud of You.
Amen.