Party Planning Meeting
Um, hi you guys. This is my first time running a meeting, so bear with me.
How do I call this to order? Do I just say, “I call this meeting to order” or something? Wait, before I do that, is everybody here? Where’s Jimmy? There he is. Hi, Jimmy, how’m I doing so far? Ha ha, just kidding.
Let me just look over Robert’s Rules of Order quick to see how I call a meeting to … Alright, now somebody is handing me a note. That’s exciting! I don’t know why I’m narrating everything that’s happening. I think I’m just a little nervous.
Okay, well according to this note, party planning committee meetings do not need to run by parliamentary procedure, which is good, because that was making my stomach turn over with anxiety.
Speaking of which, I brought in bags of potato chips for everybody. I hope you guys like salt and vinegar style. They’re the giant bags from Costco, and I didn’t remember plates, so just pass them around. Sorry if they’re a little crushed from my backpack.
Beth, you’re not taking any potato chips? That’s not very team-player of you. There you go. Really dig around in their for some chips.
Alright, the first order of business is team-building exercises. At first, I thought the party planning committee could maybe go through a ropes course together, but I priced it out, and that would eat up our entire cake budget for the year. So, then I thought we could maybe do a backrub circle instead.
Everybody scoot your chairs into a circle, and we’ll all give each other backrubs. Don’t worry; it’s a circle. Nobody’s gonna get stuck not getting a backrub.
Pardon me? Yes, I guess our hands are a little greasy from the chips. In my rush to plan this planning meeting, I forgot to bring napkins. That’s on me. I had some panicky stomach issues this morning, and I don’t want to get into specifics, but let me say three words---broken softserve machine. That’s all I’ll say.
Wait, fourth word---explosive.
But, I take your point. No backrubs today. Somebody write down that we’re tabling the backrub circle until next month. Who’s our committee secretary? No one? Somebody write down that we need to elect a secretary at the next meeting.
Um…
Alright, great meeting, you guys! Really looking forward to more of these. If anybody thinks of any party or cake-related ideas, you can find me in my cubicle.
I hereby call this meeting officially dismissed to be adjourned.
Nothing in the Rulebook…
I hereby call to order this emergency meeting of the National Collegiate Athletic Association. We will be amending procedure in order to expedite this meeting.
It has come to this board's attention that there are serious gaps in the rulebooks covering organized sports at the collegiate level. Apparently, there is nothing in the rules that says a golden retriever can't play football.
This loophole has seriously undermined the integrity and sanctity of college sport. Not only are the opposing players made to look like fools as they bumble into each other chasing said golden retrievers, but our referees, too, can do nothing but throw their hands in the air, befuddled.
Therefore, as our first order of business, I call for a vote on an amendment of rule 12.113C calling for specific language banning golden retrievers or any breed of dog larger than 30 lbs. from membership on a football team. Further, no such dog shall be allowed to participate in competitive gameplay during any sanctioned pre-season or bowl games.
This ban covers the following positions: kicker, running back, tailback, lineman, wide receiver, quarterback. Mascot and waterboy positions are not covered under this ban. Thus, dogs can serve in these capacities. I would suggest using a St. Bernard, because that would be adorable.
Should this ban pass, it would apply retroactively to the beginning of the season. This would call into question Michigan State’s victory over Notre Dame on September 18th along with the Pitsburgh Panther’s win over Rutgers on October 23rd. Players “Rex” and “Buffy the Wonder Pooch” on their respective teams would be asked to step down pending review.
A vote has been called and seconded. All those in favor of the amendment to rule 12.113C, please say aye. Those opposed? The amendment passes.
Moving on to item two: The situation with orangutans playing hockey…