Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Low Key – March 13, 2011

Posted on March 13, 2011

Reigning Cats and Dogs


Dog Sweaters

Posted on December 7, 2010

Dog Sweater

This morning, I stole a sweater off of a weimaraner. It was a mint green cable knit. It was nicer than most of my sweaters, but it wore a little snug in the shoulders. On me it was snug; it seemed fine on the weimaraner.

My morning walk was freezing. I'd misheard the weather report, and I had on only a flannel button-down and my fall jacket. That’s when I passed a weimaraner wearing that fancy sweater. It’s easy to steal from dogs. I just rubbed its belly until it rolled over, and I slipped off the knitwear.

Its owner never noticed. He was on his Blackberry.

Like I said, the weimaraner’s sweater was nice. I thought at the time it was cashmere, but someone later told me it was chenille. (I’m not dumb; I just invert words sometimes.) The sweater wasn’t very warm, though. On my body, it fit more like an open-front vest. So, I stole another dog sweater.

The second one was off a greyhound. It was tan with gray accents. Not the sweater; the dog. Its sweater was purple with a cowl neck and an oversized argyle. I slipped that one and the weimaraner’s sweater over my sleeves as a kind of a makeshift dancer’s shrug. It cut the cold, but by then I had gotten a taste for crime.

I went around the rest of the day stealing dog sweaters, one at a time. I called in sick to work. I think they heard the el train in the background, but I was too busy casing my next mark to worry about it. There was a dachshund hanging around the edges of a dog park near the Natural History Museum. It had on a red Christmas-y wool. I thought it might make a good scarf. I was right.

After that was a borzoi wearing an orange cardigan. Then a boxer with a black crew. A corgi in a turtleneck. You might think I’d feel bad stealing from dumb, defenseless animals. But, like a lot of criminals, I began to resent my victims for being so innocent, so trusting. They’d just sit there. Especially when I said, “Sit.”

It was all so easy. A bit of kibble here, a scratch behind the ear there—like taking candy from a baby. Except the candy was sweaters, and the babies were dogs. Only a poodle/spaniel mix gave me any problems, but I distracted it with peanut butter on the roof of its mouth. I’m wearing its blue V neck over my left pant leg as we speak.

Now, at the end of the day, I stand before you clothed head-to-toe in dog sweaters. All shapes, all sizes. Tiny pom poms jangle at my wrist. Embroidered bones and fire hydrants dot across my waist. Mostly designer labels, and almost all of them the latest styles. I’m sure my outfit right now cost more than my wedding suit.

The back of my knees itch like crazy. I think that damn Scottie had flees. But, it was worth it. I’m warm and content, euphoric in my ill-gotten gains. I feel like I could do anything right now.

Though, for some reason, all I want is to dig under my neighbor’s fence and shut up that goddamn alley cat. I hate that goddamn cat.


Nothing in the Rulebook…

Posted on November 10, 2010

I hereby call to order this emergency meeting of the National Collegiate Athletic Association. We will be amending procedure in order to expedite this meeting.

It has come to this board's attention that there are serious gaps in the rulebooks covering organized sports at the collegiate level. Apparently, there is nothing in the rules that says a golden retriever can't play football.

This loophole has seriously undermined the integrity and sanctity of college sport. Not only are the opposing players made to look like fools as they bumble into each other chasing said golden retrievers, but our referees, too, can do nothing but throw their hands in the air, befuddled.

Therefore, as our first order of business, I call for a vote on an amendment of rule 12.113C calling for specific language banning golden retrievers or any breed of dog larger than 30 lbs. from membership on a football team. Further, no such dog shall be allowed to participate in competitive gameplay during any sanctioned pre-season or bowl games.

This ban covers the following positions: kicker, running back, tailback, lineman, wide receiver, quarterback. Mascot and waterboy positions are not covered under this ban. Thus, dogs can serve in these capacities. I would suggest using a St. Bernard, because that would be adorable.

Should this ban pass, it would apply retroactively to the beginning of the season. This would call into question Michigan State’s victory over Notre Dame on September 18th along with the Pitsburgh Panther’s win over Rutgers on October 23rd. Players “Rex” and “Buffy the Wonder Pooch” on their respective teams would be asked to step down pending review.

A vote has been called and seconded. All those in favor of the amendment to rule 12.113C, please say aye. Those opposed? The amendment passes.

Moving on to item two: The situation with orangutans playing hockey…


Low Key – October 31, 2010

Posted on October 31, 2010

Boxer Rebellion


Favorite Dog Breeds

Posted on July 14, 2010

Scottish Terrier

A list of my favorite breeds of dog, along with quick descriptions of their temperament:

Golden Retriever
– loving, loyal, goofy

Scottish Terrier
– sweet, silly, rambunctious

Highland Goathound
– bullish, strong-willed, observant

Royal Dutch Pompadour
– elitist, flippant, obfuscating

Flat-Faced Dimplepinscher
– jaundiced, jittery, hyperglycemic

Italian Petite Bangs Terrier
– pointy, grateful, lilac-scented

Belgian Grundler
– impish, avuncular, annotated

Silky Chuptopper
– distractible, randy, semi-formal

Taiwanese Shin Shin
– ovular, prescient, newfangled

Mottled Chestermeyer
– narcissistic, reciprocating, perspicacious

Irish Bogie Whiner
– symptomatic, encrusted, stringent

Mustachioed Bugli
– pedantic, impromptu, rabble-rousing

Austrian Corbinbersen
– garrulous, blubbery, extemporaneous

Manchester Tonguehound
– tangential, hackneyed, rough-hewn

Friggen Yaws Terrier
– mollycoddled, querulous, milquetoast