Wrong Number Text
- At Smith & 9th. Home soon. ILY.
- Whoops. That text was meant for the wife. Sorry.
- Embarrassing.
- Especially you being my ex.
- Awkward. Sorry.
_ It’s fine. Forget it.
- You good?
- Sorry. Promised I wouldn’t text u anymore.
- Hope yur good.
- Last text. PROMISE.
_ Good. Be well.
- Home now. Told my wife we’d been texting tonite. She’s upset. Wants to talk to you.
- Sorry.
- Tried to reason with her, but u know how women are. Ha ha.
- Srsly, she’s very upset with you.
- Don’t worry. Refused to give her your number. She locked herself in the bathroom.
- Yikes, right?
_ Robert, it’s been 3 years.
- I know I know I know. Sorry she got upset.
- Should blow over soon.
- U still doing art? Can’t find much on Google lately.
_ Robert ...
- Sure sure sure. Sorry.
- Just talked to Linda. Turns out she’s pregnant.
- So that’s big news, huh?
- Wow, a baby.
- Big news.
_ Congratulations to you both.
- She’s still locked in bathroom. Must be the hormones.
- Remember when we broke up ‘cause I wanted kids & you didn’t? That seems so weird now.
_ Go talk to your wife, Robb.
- You’re right. Talking with Linda thru the door now.
- She seems better. Stressed about work/maternity leave.
- Understandable.
- Yeah so…
- You still with that guy? The actor?
- Bill? Brad? He seemed weirdly tall for you.
- Linda’s coming out now. Should probably stop texting.
_ Yes. Do that.
- Wanna grab coffee sometime? Catch up on stuff? I could bounce some baby names off you, ha ha.
- No response?
- Is yur phone still on?
- Okay, well, hope your good.
- Remember to update Facebook when you have new photos of your art. Or you. Or whatever.
- Your bike tour looked fun btw.
- Oh, and I guess the name is going to be Oliver. Linda’s grandfather’s name.
- OK, well, goodnight. Thanks for texting.
Apologies for the Tasering
Dear Tammi,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for having tasered you. It was an awful mistake. Actually, it was the culmination of a series of awful mistakes, and I am deeply sorry for all of them.
First off, I should have never brought my taser gun to your pool party. I had just gotten it the day before. And, you know when you get a new gadget? You just want to play with it right away?
Secondly, I should not have recharged it beyond the manufacturer’s recommendations. I had been reading some DIY tech blogs, and a guy in Russia found the taser's internal override switch. My curiosity got the better of me.
When Bill said he was a better dancer than me, I should have just let it go. Not everything is a challenge to my manhood. If Colleen has told me that once, she's told me a bazillion times.
As the impromptu dance-off reached its climax, props were unnecessary. I had clearly won by that point. I guess, subconsciously, I wanted to show off my new taser to Bill.
However, I hope you will accept some small responsibility for having surprised me with rice crispy bars. I mean, you know I'm bad with surprises. I'm not saying the tasering is solely your fault, but I do think blame can be shared a little.
Finally, I'm sorry I waited a few minutes before tasering you. My delayed reflexes are one of the reasons I looked into self-defense in the first place. It was not meant as vengeance for you costing me the dancing competition. I understand why it might have come off that way, which is unfortunate.
Anyway, thank you for having me over. Your new home is beautiful, and I'm sure you will get a lot of use out of the pool once the doctors give you the okay.
Sorry again,
Andy