Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Wrong Number Text

Posted on June 8, 2011

- At Smith & 9th. Home soon. ILY.

- Whoops. That text was meant for the wife. Sorry.

- Embarrassing.

- Especially you being my ex.

- Awkward. Sorry.

_ It’s fine. Forget it.

- You good?

- Sorry. Promised I wouldn’t text u anymore.

- Hope yur good.

- Last text. PROMISE.

_ Good. Be well.

- Home now. Told my wife we’d been texting tonite. She’s upset. Wants to talk to you.

- Sorry.

- Tried to reason with her, but u know how women are. Ha ha.

- Srsly, she’s very upset with you.

- Don’t worry. Refused to give her your number. She locked herself in the bathroom.

- Yikes, right?

_ Robert, it’s been 3 years.

- I know I know I know. Sorry she got upset.

- Should blow over soon.

- U still doing art? Can’t find much on Google lately.

_ Robert ...

- Sure sure sure. Sorry.

- Just talked to Linda. Turns out she’s pregnant.

- So that’s big news, huh?

- Wow, a baby.

- Big news.

_ Congratulations to you both.

- She’s still locked in bathroom. Must be the hormones.

- Remember when we broke up ‘cause I wanted kids & you didn’t? That seems so weird now.

_ Go talk to your wife, Robb.

- You’re right. Talking with Linda thru the door now.

- She seems better. Stressed about work/maternity leave.

- Understandable.

- Yeah so…

- You still with that guy? The actor?

- Bill? Brad? He seemed weirdly tall for you.

- Linda’s coming out now. Should probably stop texting.

_ Yes. Do that.

- Wanna grab coffee sometime? Catch up on stuff? I could bounce some baby names off you, ha ha.

- No response?

- Is yur phone still on?

- Okay, well, hope your good.

- Remember to update Facebook when you have new photos of your art. Or you. Or whatever.

- Your bike tour looked fun btw.

- Oh, and I guess the name is going to be Oliver. Linda’s grandfather’s name.

- OK, well, goodnight. Thanks for texting.


Apologies for the Tasering

Posted on September 1, 2010

Dear Tammi,

Please accept my sincerest apologies for having tasered you. It was an awful mistake. Actually, it was the culmination of a series of awful mistakes, and I am deeply sorry for all of them.

First off, I should have never brought my taser gun to your pool party. I had just gotten it the day before. And, you know when you get a new gadget? You just want to play with it right away?

Secondly, I should not have recharged it beyond the manufacturer’s recommendations. I had been reading some DIY tech blogs, and a guy in Russia found the taser's internal override switch. My curiosity got the better of me.

When Bill said he was a better dancer than me, I should have just let it go. Not everything is a challenge to my manhood. If Colleen has told me that once, she's told me a bazillion times.

As the impromptu dance-off reached its climax, props were unnecessary. I had clearly won by that point. I guess, subconsciously, I wanted to show off my new taser to Bill.

However, I hope you will accept some small responsibility for having surprised me with rice crispy bars. I mean, you know I'm bad with surprises. I'm not saying the tasering is solely your fault, but I do think blame can be shared a little.

Finally, I'm sorry I waited a few minutes before tasering you. My delayed reflexes are one of the reasons I looked into self-defense in the first place. It was not meant as vengeance for you costing me the dancing competition. I understand why it might have come off that way, which is unfortunate.

Anyway, thank you for having me over. Your new home is beautiful, and I'm sure you will get a lot of use out of the pool once the doctors give you the okay.

Sorry again,