Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

How to Avoid Mosquito Bites

Posted on June 16, 2010

Summer is here in full force, and it has brought along thousands of mosquitoes. Every year, the darn things declare war on our backyard barbecues. Here are a few helpful tips to avoid getting your asses chewed up by goddamn mosquitoes:

- Mosquitoes breed in standing water. Make sure your backyard has proper drainage.

- Avoid the outdoors at dusk or dawn, times when many mosquitoes are most active.

- Mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide you exhale. So, try to avoid doing that.

- Wear loose-fitting clothing that covers your arms and legs. Because, mosquitoes are creeped out by sexual ambiguity and not knowing what gender they’re biting.

- Also, avoid bright or dark colors. You know what would be good? The khaki tunic you wore when you were in that cult. Maybe you should get that out. Unless it brings back too many memories.

- Try burning a citronella candle. Move it around every 10 to 30 seconds to stay downwind.

- Avoid making eye contact with a mosquito. It’ll think you’re asking for it.

- Catch mosquitoes mid-air with a pair of chopsticks.

- Mosquitoes are also attracted to scented detergents and strong perfumes. Sorry, old ladies.

- Eat tons of garlic and wear a garlic necklace. When you stop to think about it, mosquitoes are just tiny vampires. Tiny, sexy vampires that want to suck your blood and maybe fight a werewolf for your affection.

- Bug zappers don’t really kill mosquitoes. Bug zappers just kill moths and also my co-worker’s Uncle Rudy when one fell into his hot tub.

- Wear a mosquito net draped over you at all times. This works so well, you can go ahead and be totally nude underneath. Whatever floats your boat.

- DEET is a powerful, harsh chemical that works like a charm. It not only deters mosquitoes, but it also slowly kills their food source.

- Instead of DEET, some people apply essential oils like lavender, eucalyptus, or tea tree oil. These people are weird hippies who will try to give you a backrub.

- Buy a bird feeder to attract mosquito-eating birds. Don’t put any birdseed in the feeder, or the birds may fill up on seeds. Stupid birds.

- Finally, simply be one of those people who doesn’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Stop being such a wimp.