Moving Tips: Part Two
Continuing yesterday's tips about moving, here are a few thoughts for after the move:
1) By the end of the day, your movers will hate you. Don't be upset. They have good reason; you own too much shit. It actually is gross how much stuff you own.
2) Don't try to engage your movers in conversation. Their job is to move your stuff, not appease your yuppie guilt. And, it's not a sign of solidarity that you once helped your friends move a hide-a-bed.
3) Unpack your wine glasses and pajamas first. The rest can wait until tomorrow.
4) Prepare yourself for the full and very real realization as to the number of socks you own. Holy crap, that's alotta socks!
5) You female friends will offer to come over to help unpack. It's because they want to look through your private things. They don't know that's the reason behind their urge to help. It's evolution. Hide your dildos.
6) Ignore the naked shut-in next door. You'll get used to him just like you got used to the constant smell of cumin at the last place.
7) Discussing possible furniture arrangements is a fun and easy way to break up your marriage.
8) Take time to explore your new neighborhood. Alright, that's enough. Back to watching TV. Mad Men is starting back up.
9) Don't expect your first blog post after a long day of moving to be very long or even that funny.
Moving Tips: Part One
The wife and I are in the middle of cramming everything we own into a series of smaller and smaller boxes. In the process, I’ve learned a few tips to help you with your next move. Enjoy:
1) Hire movers. Don’t be a prideful asshole.
2) Start packing early. We packed all our dishes months ago, and we’ve been eating with our fingers straight out of the pot. Mostly mac & cheese.
3) Bath towels are great for wrapping fragile things—things like your emotions during a move.
4) The cable company wants your DVR box back. So, I guess you’ll never get to watch that documentary about cat groomers from three years ago.
5) You might be worried about your flatscreen breaking during transport. Simply take a hammer and smash it. There, no more worrying.
6) Wardrobe boxes are great for making forts. But, wait until after the move, or else your wife will get mad.
7) Make sure to pack the new apartment keys at the bottom of a box to keep them safe from thieves. And, don’t label which box, just in case.
8) Try not to impose human emotions onto any furniture you dump onto the curb. I’m sure your bed isn’t sad about being carelessly tossed aside. After all those years together. It’s not sad at all. Sniff.
9) Lamps. Meh. You probably won’t need them in the new place.
10) Try to choose the hottest day of the summer to move. I have faith you can do it.
11) If you’re worried about not getting your security deposit back, just fuck it. Paintball party!
12) There’s no point in moving a half jar of pickle relish to your new place. So grab a spoon and dig in.
13) You are going to run out of tape. Prepare yourself mentally going in. Don’t try to trick Fate buying twice the amount of tape. You’ll just be doubly crushed when it runs out.
14) Don’t lift with your back, lift with your niece. (ie. Get your five-year-old niece to hold one end of the armoire.)
15) Fill in any nail holes in your wall with nails. It’s a surprisingly perfect fit.
16) Remember: Don’t go crazy if something breaks or goes missing. It’s all just stuff. Expensive, irreplaceable stuff.
That’s it. Good luck with your move. Come back tomorrow for unpacking tips.