Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross


Posted on June 22, 2011

Who was the first person to discover the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Was it a Civil War doctor?

You guys, did you know that the scientific name for belly buttons is navels? It's pronounced just like the oranges... YOU GUYS?!!

How come nobody who likes frozen yogurt has superpowers? Is that a thing? Does frozen yogurt keep you from having superpowers?

Holy cow, has anyone ever noticed that Italy is shaped like a boot? IS THAT HOW WE INVENTED BOOTS?!!

So, Hobbits must have big ol' dingers right? I mean, proportionally big. But still... Right, you guys?

Ladies, did you know you have little baby seeds inside you right now? Super weird.

Who invented bananas? Because, good job!

Did you know that our first President looked exactly like the guy on our quarters? Do you think they planned that?

Why does everybody get so grumpy whenever I point out that they’re grumpy?

Heat kills bacteria right? Because, I just found a totally free bottle of Caesar salad dressing on the hot sidewalk!!!

Have you guys ever tried an avocado? It’s shaped like a pear, but it tastes just like guacamole! You guys!!!

Who made dinosaurs? Is there a separate Dinosaur God with His own bible and everything?

Why do banks make it so hard to get your money out of them when they’re closed? Ugh, I need to buy something!

How many baby carrots can I stick up my nose? TRICK QUESTION!! It’s two.

Which came first, Mexico or New Mexico? Because, I’ve been to New Mexico, and everyone there seems pretty old. While, everyone at Senior Frogs in Cancun seemed pretty drunk.

Where do babies get that great smell? Can you buy that at the carwash, or do I have to just keep rubbing myself with babies every morning?

Have you ever read the novelization of the movie Jingle All the Way? It sticks pretty close to the plot. Unlike those stupid Twilight books.

Did you know you can get pregnant just by having unprotected sex in a hottub?

How come you have to make lemonade with God’s lemons? Are you saying God’s lemons aren’t good enough for lemon meringue pie? That’s blasphemous!

Who’s your favorite Beatle? Mine’s that one guy with the song thingy.

Okay, bye, you guys!


Skydiving Questions

Posted on June 28, 2010

Excuse me, Mr. Skydiving Instructor? Tad, was it? I don’t want to be a bother, but I have a quick question or two before we take off.

Okay, I think I’ve got my tuck and roll ready for the landing. And, I’ve checked and re-checked that my chute is packed properly. Then, I went ahead and re-re-checked, just in case. But, after this two-hour skydivng lesson, I did want to ask a few things before we leap out of a moving airplane.

Like, when you said that some people pass out when they jump, but they usually wake up in time to pull their rip cord. You wouldn’t have any percentages on that “usually,” would you? And, is there a way to avoid that altogether?

Also, is that the plane we going to fly up in? Because, it looks very old and sad. Like it might still remember some of its old WWII missions. If that plane started to crash, would we have time to jump out with our parachutes?

Are these straps supposed to dig so hard in my crotch area? Because, one of my … guys … is ascending, and I’m feeling a little queasy. But, if it’s a safety thing, I’m fine with it.

Um, and why is “Live Every Day Like It’s Your Last” the motto for your skydiving school? Is that supposed to be ironic? Or tempting fate? Or are you guys dumb, maybe?

Finally—and I’m going to open this one up to the whole class—why are we doing this? I mean, I know that for me, I lost a bet, and it was either this or have a swear word tattooed on my neck. But, if I didn’t have to do this, I wouldn’t. Because, I have a family that loves me, and I understand that my actions have consequences that affect those around me.

So, I guess my final question is: Does anyone have any weed or a Valium I could borrow? Or three Valium, maybe? That’d be a big help. Thanks.


The Art Show

Posted on March 8, 2010


My thoughts on a recent art show.

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[Text of the above audio. Best if read in a thick German accent.]

This weekend, I attended the rather large Armory Art Show in New York, and I found myself pondering the same question that critics and art historians have been asking for decades. Yes, it is beautiful. Yes, it hangs on the wall. But, is it a vagina?

I know, I know, it is the most subjective of questions. I assume many of you have settled on the classic answer: “I know a vagina when I see it.” But, especially in the world of contemporary art, I think it is an uncertainty that demands further study.

Anyone can look at the established, canonical artists like Egon Schiele or Georgia O’Keeffe and see that, yes, this is clearly a vagina. But, what of the work of Jeff Koons or Takashi Murakami, pieces that mix artistic technique with brazen commercialism? Are these still vaginas? (In the latter’s case, I believe it to be a mix. Some work is vaginal, while other pieces are something else completely.)

Can a pile of spilt sesame seeds be a vagina? Is a statue of Scrooge McDuck a vagina? What about a video installation of man hitting his penis with a belt? Surely, we can agree that this is a vagina.

Some of you might scoff, “Tut tut, my five-year-old can glue a triangle of shag carpet to an American flag. That doesn’t make it a vagina.” Well, I think this brings up further questions rather than easy answers. Is the scenario, itself, a sort of meta-discussion on the role of vaginas and their place in our daily lives? Can anything be a vagina when seen through the perspective of an artist?

I don’t believe we can come up with a so-called “answer,” but the topic deserves deep, penetrative analysis. Every day, we must strive to dive face-first into our basic precepts of what is and what is not a vagina.