Good Morning, Summer
Good morning, sunshine. Good morning, birds. Good morning, flowers and trees and puffy white clouds.
Good morning, heat. Good morning, garbage smells. Good morning, drip of sweat sliming its way down between my shoulder blades.
Good morning, crowded elevators and angry moms and old ladies too tired to hold in their farts.
Good morning, fashion assistants wearing sunglasses on the subway even through there’s no sunlight down here and you look like assholes squinting down at your asshole Blackberries.
Good morning, melted gum and dog feces. Good morning, babies with heat rash. Good morning, even more garbage smells.
Good morning, air conditioner exhausts and air conditioner drips and the ever-present grind of air conditioners. Good morning, air-conditioned luxury stores with your doors wide open, because fuck the world, right?
Good morning, Russian men in Speedos and Brazilian men in thongs. Good morning, exposed beer bellies of the world. Good morning, back hair.
Good morning, road construction. Good morning, jackhammers. Good morning, people talking about the Hamptons.
Good morning, bees. Good morning, ants. Good morning stink bugs and spiders and cockroaches and silverfish and those gross wispy centipedes that look like eyebrows.
Good morning, mosquitoes.
Good morning, pit stains. Good morning, weight we meant to lose. Good morning, hot pillows.
Good morning, children with ice cream all over your faces and hands and t-shirts and everything you touch. Good morning, general stickiness.
Good morning, eight-dollar iced lattes. Good morning, hot leather convertible seats. Good morning, lacrosse players in backwards visors and shower shoes.
Good morning, heat stroke. Good morning, dehydration. Good morning, brownouts and blackouts and thunderstorms and tornadoes.
But, finally, a big good morning to tan-lined cleavage and flippy sun dresses. Thank you for making everything else okay.
How to Avoid Mosquito Bites
Summer is here in full force, and it has brought along thousands of mosquitoes. Every year, the darn things declare war on our backyard barbecues. Here are a few helpful tips to avoid getting your asses chewed up by goddamn mosquitoes:
- Mosquitoes breed in standing water. Make sure your backyard has proper drainage.
- Avoid the outdoors at dusk or dawn, times when many mosquitoes are most active.
- Mosquitoes are attracted to the carbon dioxide you exhale. So, try to avoid doing that.
- Wear loose-fitting clothing that covers your arms and legs. Because, mosquitoes are creeped out by sexual ambiguity and not knowing what gender they’re biting.
- Also, avoid bright or dark colors. You know what would be good? The khaki tunic you wore when you were in that cult. Maybe you should get that out. Unless it brings back too many memories.
- Try burning a citronella candle. Move it around every 10 to 30 seconds to stay downwind.
- Avoid making eye contact with a mosquito. It’ll think you’re asking for it.
- Catch mosquitoes mid-air with a pair of chopsticks.
- Mosquitoes are also attracted to scented detergents and strong perfumes. Sorry, old ladies.
- Eat tons of garlic and wear a garlic necklace. When you stop to think about it, mosquitoes are just tiny vampires. Tiny, sexy vampires that want to suck your blood and maybe fight a werewolf for your affection.
- Bug zappers don’t really kill mosquitoes. Bug zappers just kill moths and also my co-worker’s Uncle Rudy when one fell into his hot tub.
- Wear a mosquito net draped over you at all times. This works so well, you can go ahead and be totally nude underneath. Whatever floats your boat.
- DEET is a powerful, harsh chemical that works like a charm. It not only deters mosquitoes, but it also slowly kills their food source.
- Instead of DEET, some people apply essential oils like lavender, eucalyptus, or tea tree oil. These people are weird hippies who will try to give you a backrub.
- Buy a bird feeder to attract mosquito-eating birds. Don’t put any birdseed in the feeder, or the birds may fill up on seeds. Stupid birds.
- Finally, simply be one of those people who doesn’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Stop being such a wimp.