Yoga Pants
Hi, welcome to Lydia’s Yoga Shop. We sell activewear for the active woman. Come on in, and I’ll give you the tour. As you can see, we sell a wide range of yoga pants here at Lydia’s Yoga.
First up is our Kriya style of yoga pant. These are cut low at the waist and are terrific for everyday wear--running errands, catching a matinee. These start at around $78.
Next, we have our Prana yoga pants. These pants are cut higher in the waist with comfortable flat-locked seams. This style is terrific for swinging by a boutique or Trader Joes. These start at around $95 and come in charcoal or midnight black.
I should mention that none of our yoga pants are meant specifically for yoga. In fact, we actively discourage doing actual yoga in these yoga pants. It’s far too sweaty.
These are our Turiya yoga pants. These are designed to be worn during pedicures. Note the four-way stretch in the seat and the slight flair along the leg opening. These start at around $112 and come in a massage oil-resistant fabric.
Our Abhaya yoga pants are great for picking up little Dashiell or Dakota from Montessori. They have a pleasant lift and separation in the seat. These are $140, but it’s worth the price when you see the jealous looks on the “working” mothers’ faces.
Again, we ask that you not do any yoga or yoga-related activities in these pants. No pilates, please.
Our Swami yoga pants are designed for watching Julia Roberts movies. They feature hip pockets and anti-chafing Juliamax™ technology. These are on sale today for $98.
Ah, I see you’ve noticed the Maitri yoga pants. These are perfect for a visit to the spa or a weekend away to Napa with your girlfriends. They’re also great for quick trips to Starbucks or the mall. You can have an affair with your personal trainer in these, or you could read the Betsey Johnson interview in Vanity Fair. Really, these are great for reading any magazines—O Magazine, Glamour Magazine, Elle, Real Simple, Vogue, Cosmo, US Weekly … God, do you remember Domino Magazine? I miss Domino.
You could sign up for an awareness walk in our Maitri yoga pants. You can shop for gluten or soy-free groceries in these. They’re good for attending museum events or gallery openings or divorce hearings. These yoga pants are great to wear while recycling huge numbers of plastic water bottles. You can dabble in starting a wallpaper design business in these. You can carry your tiny dog around the dog park in these. You can shop for bridesmaid dresses in these.
Really they’re good for anything except yoga. They cost around $125, and the matte finish is a nice contrast to any over-sized diamonds you might be wearing.
Can I interest you in any of our cashmere tanks or camis?
Yoga Class
Hey! “Knock knock.” Is this Intermediate Yoga? Am I in the right place? Oh, shhhh, yeah sorry. Shhh. Right. Sorry I’m late. I’ll be quiet.
Let me just find a mat. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Comin’ through. Hey, I know you. You’re Bill’s wife, Kim, right? Good to see you. Excuse me. Pardon me. Just making my way … to a … mat. Got it! Got a mat. All set.
Quick question before we start. Well, I mean before I start, since everybody started without me. Is this the kind of yoga with all the magic mumbo jumbo? Like, do I have to buy into all that chi energy and tiger ancestors and your soul breathes through your butthole stuff?
Because, this is my first yoga class. I know it’s Level 2, but I figure I pick up on stuff fast. And, how hard can it be looking at some of the pudge-os in here? Not you, Darlin’, you look great. You look like a beer commercial. Whatever you’re doing, keep at it.
Right, shhhhh. Quiet. I get it, you’re all concentrating on your buttholes. Y’know, I wouldn’t have to yell if you left some mats open in the front for people who were understandably late, because their cats threw up in the Toyota Camry. Fine, fine, I’ll shut up.
…
That wasn’t me. That fart was not me. I just want everyone to know, since I feel like I’m the designated bad guy already. Believe me, if that fart was mine, you’d know it. I had a breakfast burrito.
No, lady, you be quiet. You think all that shooshing is quiet? It’s not. It’s loud, and it’s distracting my chi flow. Pay attention to your own noise level.
Oh shit! My back! Ohhh, my back! Dammit, lady, you made me throw out my back! See what your shooshing does? Ow ow owww. Somebody call an ambulance. Kim, go call an ambulance. Model-looking girl, will you ride in the ambulance with me? I’ll need someone to comfort me and cradle my head.
No? You won’t? Alright then, never mind about the ambulance. Kim, good hustle with that cell phone, but I’m okay. I’m gonna go outside and grab a smoke. That usually helps. I’ll be back in two shakes. Don’t do the Dogward Down without me.