My Workout Routine
My daily workout routine is pretty standard. I start with a little stretching. A couple toe touches. I limber up with some jogging in place. Then, I rabbit punch the air in order to show the air who’s boss.
After that, I have a small breakfast—usually a few bowls of pasta left over from last night’s carbo-load. Really double load my carbos. Oh, and I’ll slam a raw egg drink, like you see in movies about guys like me. Tough guys.
Then, it’s a jog around Central Park. Sometimes I’ll run with wrist weights or a backpack filled with encyclopedias. But lately, I’ve been picking up piggyback passengers to earn some extra cash. People enjoy a change of pace from pedicabs. I tell ‘em to hold on tight, because we’re really going for it.
I’ll drop my passenger off at the museum or wherever, even though they won’t want to leave. It’s easy to fall in love with a man who runs like a stallion. I tell ‘em, “You can’t climb trees with someone clinging to your back.” (Well, you can, but their faces get all scratched up.)
After the tree climbing, I go for a swim. I can’t really swim, so I just flail about like I’m drowning for an hour. It burns more calories than swimming anyway. So does the screaming.
Finally, I lift some weights. This I do Strongman Competition style. Beer kegs, cannonballs, telephone pole—manly stuff, in case you missed the Freudian symbolism. If I can’t find cannonballs around, I’ll pull a semi trailer with my teeth. Manly style.
Then, it’s five bowls of pasta, a few dozen raw eggs, and off to bed for my 16 hours of sleep. What can I say? It’s pretty standard stuff. I thought about adding a spinning class, but I hear those are pretty tough.
Your Resume
Alright, let’s take a look at your resume. Uh huh. Okay, not very impressive. Three jobs in six months isn’t a good sign. And, typing ten words per minute. That’s not something you want to point out unless asked directly.
Now, here under “Education,” you’ve misspelled the word “school,” which wouldn’t be so bad if it were a typo. But “skool”—that’s how a child would write it. And, over here, see? You’ve crossed stuff out and written in pencil. Maybe consider printing out a new resume. Also, fewer profanities.
Under “Computer Skills,” you wrote down “Facebook.” It might be better to say “social networking,” because this makes me think you’d spend your whole workday on Facebook. That’s just a hunch.
Normally, a resume this inept would go straight into my trash. However, it was so bad, I felt I should bring you in to give you advice. Now, I can see that you are an incredibly handsome man. Very, very attractive.
You should know I am not gay, but something about how your eyes crinkle when you smile makes me want you around all the time. Also, your firm handshake made me feel like a man’s man.
So, you're hired! Congratulations.
The assistant position requires competence, so I can’t give you that job. But, we had a VP position open up. I’ll put you there. It’s a bigger salary and has subordinates to do the work, anyway. Do you kayak? You seem outdoorsy. I’d love to come along next time you hike or kayak. Nothing gay or anything … My god, you’re tall.
The position starts next week, but you can swing by earlier if you want. I’m free for lunch any day this week. I’ll tell you which secretaries I have crushes on, and maybe you could woo them for me. Is that weird? I’ll call you to set things up. I’ve got your number from where you scribbled it on your resume.
Peanut Butters
A list of peanut butter brands in order of my favorite to least favorite:
1. Skippy All Natural
2. Jif Crunchy
3. Peter Pan Whipped Creamy
4. Skippy Honey Nut Super Chunk
5. Squirrel Canadian Peanut Butter
6. Goober
7. Dr. McGillicutty’s Wonder Butter
8. Tube ‘O Nuts Extra, Extra Creamy
9. Sun-Pat for Sensitive Teeth (UK only)
10. Crazy Bernie’s Nuttagoo
11. Jif All Natural with Fish Oil
12. Smuckers Supernatural
13. HealthNut Shells Roots ‘n All
14. Sticky’s
15. El Maní Negro (Dominican Rep. only)
16. Presidents Choice “Peanut” Butter Product
17. PeaceNut Butter (proceeds aid marijuana reform)
18. Kathy’s Homemade PB with Black Licorice Bits
19. Unlabeled Aldi Clearance Rack “Peanut Butter?"
20. Glunk Brand Extra Glunky
My Self-Deprecation
Please, if you could, stop agreeing with me when I’m being self-deprecating. I know I started it, and I know you’re just going along for the ride. But, it’s not the most helpful. In fact, it's making me feel bad.
Um, I was just tossing out some self-belittling jokes to show modesty. Point out my own foibles, y'know? But, you guys were pretty quick to concur. And, you expanded on a lot of my ideas. It seems like you had these arguments thought out in advance.
I know that I can be a little self-involved. And, maybe my self-deprecation is a pretense to talk about myself. I understand that some people talk down about themselves in order to collect compliments. I don’t know if that’s what I was going for, but I certainly wasn’t expecting you all jumping in and agreeing so whole-heartedly.
So, if I make a joke about myself, could you hold back, please? Because, these four or five follow-up jokes every time are hitting me kind of hard. I know I was laughing at first. And, it might seem like I was in on it, especially since I made the initial joke. But … I’m … Sorry, I just need to go get something out of my eye. I’m not crying.
I’ll be right back. If the waiter comes, tell him I’d like the special lo mein. Thanks.
Sudoku
This is a video about sudoku, the puzzle sensation that swept the nation. A while back. Now, there are new number-based puzzles trying to sweep the nation. Like karoku or futoshiki. They're pretty late to the game, though, especially since everybody has iPhones by now. We're all busy collecting apps.
Speaking of which, have you gotten the app that checks when bands on your iPod are coming to town? It's great! I tell ya, tomorrow is here today.
The sudoku video was directed by the incomparable Steve Delahoyde and livened up by the equally incomparable Paul Thomas. I mean, when you compare Steve and Paul, it’s hard to tell which is more incomparable. Their incomparability is almost exactly equal.
Labyrinth Storage
C’mon down to Labyrinth Storage, where we’ve got miles of storage around every turn. It’s A-maze-ing! Your first month’s rent is only $2.
Whether you’re storing a whole house or just need a place to stash holiday decorations, Labyrinth Storage fills all your storage needs. Whoa! Did you hear that? Kind of a low, rumbling growl? We should probably get moving. Yeah, just follow that twine back to the front door.
Labyrinth Storage is completely climate and humidity controlled, so no mold or dust. No need for mothballs here. Look out, don’t trip over those human bones. C’mon, keep up. We’ve got to keep moving. Hup hup.
And, secure? Labyrinth Storage is the most secure storage facility in the tri-state area. No thief has ever made it out of our storage facility alive.
We also carry packing supplies. Hand trucks, padlocks, shields, moving blankets, swords, maces—we make your storage as pain-free as possible. Ignore those screams, by the way. That’s just … screams.
Alright, what happened to the twine? Did someone use my twine trail to tie up boxes? Jesus Christ! Which way’s the exit? Hello?! Anybody? Where’s the goddamn exit? We’ve got to get out of here! It’s coming!
Quick, hide in here! Shhh, it’ll hear your breathing ... This one is our standard 4’ by 8’ unit, by the way. It’s good for storing luggage, bikes, bookcases, whatever.
Acceptance Speech
Thank you for that warm applause. And, thank you to Forbes Magazine for this prestigious award. It is an honor to be on this stage with so many amazing entrepreneurs.
Aggregation … wikis … memes … cloudsourcing. Business is no longer about steering the ship; it’s about riding the wave. E-commerce use to be about building a website or a social network. Now, those are simply the seeds of a cross-platform empire. Two years ago, I planted that perfect seed when I created CoolRetardedOrGay.com.
We all realize Web 2.0 or 3.0 or 6.0 are about giving voice to the voiceless. And, I believe in that. I truly believe that only the people can decide if something is cool, retarded, or gay. Not academics or critics. They’ve controlled what’s cool, retarded, or gay for too long. So, I put the decision into the public’s fat, sticky hands.
You see, the trick was--and only someone outside the “establishment” could see this--it was that voting is not a binary system. It’s not always hot or not, Democrat or Republican, perky or MILF-y. Sometimes there’s a third party, and that party is called Retarded.
Let’s say you have a video, and it’s a spoof of a Coen Brothers’ adaptation of Donkey Kong, and you get Jude Law to guest star as Stewie from Family Guy. Now is that cool or gay? Hold on. It’s not up to you. You’re wealthy, powerful entrepreneurs. It’s up to the faceless masses to decide, and they demand more options. They might think it’s retarded.
Or, say you have a t-shirt that portrays Oscar the Grouch as a hobo. To someone keyed into what I will call the “college sensibility,” that would be a cool vote. A grumpy homeless man might vote gay. Everyone has an equal say online. The Internet is the true democracy where any twenty-something male with a high speed connection can make his opinion heard.
And, opinions can change over time. Maybe, that ornery hobo could take “ownership” over the message and wear that shirt in ironic gayness. Maybe, the Donkey Kong video will shift from cool to retarded and back to cool again. Nothing is constant in the cool/retarded/gay continuum. The Information Age is about unpredictable, unnecessary change, but I’m here as proof to Wall Street that you can ride that mindless wave to financial fortune.
Look at CoolRetardedGay Sportswear. CRG Hard Cider. CoolRetardedGay Airlines. Look at CRG’s military support contracts in Afghanistan. Once you open your ears to what the people want, you can start selling it to them. It’s not about telling the public what their basic needs are. It’s about listening to their basest desires.
Thank you for this Forbes NextWave Business Award. As I accept this honor, I want to leave you with one word … Retarded.
Droopy Beauty
Pardon me, Miss. Has anyone ever pointed out that you look like the beautiful version of Droopy Dog? You know who I mean by Droopy Dog? The old cartoon character? You look like the beautiful, feminine, human version of him.
Please, don’t be insulted. I mean it as the highest compliment. You are a gorgeous woman—confident, poised, almost regal. I’m sure men have told you that in the past. But, has anyone mentioned the Droopy Dog thing?
I can’t quite place my finger on what the similarity is. Maybe, it’s your lovely, melancholic eyes. Maybe, it’s your red hair. Maybe, it’s your slight jowliness. Whatever it is, you radiate this Droopy Dog vibe, but in a completely stunning way.
It’s so subtle, I’m sure a lot of people don’t notice the resemblance. Especially since there hasn’t been a new Droopy Dog cartoon in like fifty years. But, c’mon, someone has to have seen Cartoon Network at some point and made the connection. No one has ever told you that you’re a lovely Droopy lookalike? I would even say dazzling.
If you haven’t picked up on my signals, you should know that I am hitting on you. Hard. Can I get your number? Or, I could find you on Facebook? Either way, we should get together some time. I have an erotic Screwy Squirrel costume, if you’re into that kind of thing.
My Fancy House
Welcome to my home!
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
.
[Text of the above audio.]
Well, hello! Welcome to my fancy house. It’s very fancy. Please, join me in the foyer, which is French for “fancy entryway.” Ah, I see you’ve noticed the marble floors. Yes, how very, very fancy. And, what’s this above us? A chandelier? Why, that’s French for “chandelier.”
Ah, and ahead, two spiral staircases both leading to the same place. How very, very fancy! They were built by my contractor, Roy. Roy, say hello to the people.
[Roy] Yeah, um so … Yeah, sure, this guy asked me to build him a real fancy house. And, y’know, he drew this picture on a napkin, and it looked like if a castle had a baby with the Acropolis. I mean, there were columns and a moat. It was kinda weird at first that he wanted everything to be white and marble. And, I told him I don’t make marble roofs, because they don’t—
Ha ha ha! Yes, Roy, that’s very interesting, but you’re blocking their view of the fountain. A fountain indoors? How very fancy! Ah, I see you’ve noticed that the fountain has putti, which is Italian for “tiny naked angels” all peeing on that seahorse. How very, very fancy.
And, what’s behind it? Why, it’s a mural on the wall called trompe l’oeil, which is French for “fool the eye.” It’s a painting, but it looks like a window—a window that looks out onto a Greek seaside. But, we’re not in Greece! We’re in my house! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Not for long, though. Why don’t we take a walk outside and see it from the outside? And, we’re walking together. Walking, walking, walking, walking, ha ha ha ha, walking, walking. And, we’re outside looking at the lawn. And, what’s that over there? Why it’s topiary, which is French for “fancy bushes.” And, look at that. A peacock, which is the fanciest bird. I ordered him from the SkyMall catalogue. He’s made out of cement, but he’s covered with the fanciest glass jewels.
Ah, I see you must be going now. Well, enjoy walking down my very fancy driveway. Take a look at my fancy mailbox. It looks like a lion trying to eat my mail! Ha ha ha ha! How very fancy.